#every shower is hair styling day i am TIRED

[teastainedprose]

Hi !

Can you do a Homelander x F!Reader with a blackmail situation ?

For the context, someone's blackmailing Reader to leave Homelander and because of the stress she did it when he was patrolling. Of course, Homelander wouldn't accept it and try to find her but he can't. So a few days later Vought brought him a new "girlfriend" to heal the pain Reader "created" only for them to (by mistake) imply that they are responsible for the departure of Reader. After dealing with the situation at Vought, he went looking for her again, eventually finding her at her favorite spot, where she was trying to forget Homelander.

You can change some parts if you want 😁

Thanks you if you do it ♥️❤️

Listen, Anon. LISTEN! I am grabbing you by the shoulders, I am gently shaking you, I am lovingly cupping your cheek and whispering, "Write the fic." - because it's clear that you've got the plot and I bet you've been daydreaming up the story route and I need you to write it. Spit out some bullet points. Scribble out a few scenes out of order, but write it!!

As I read this ask while rolling out of bed half awake and ran off in a slightly different direction while I brainstormed in the shower and I know you've got an idea there so WRITE IT!! So I can read it

Now have something similar, but not quite what you outlined. This kinda evolved into a companion/epilogue?? piece to Play With Fire, as Vought would have plenty of reason to not want Homelander dating a canned employee, especially if she's a fat little thing. Bad for the brand and all.

+1.5k words | Warning for violence/gore, Homelander can have a little murder. As a treat. Plus-Sized female reader, established relationship, no proofreading as I was possessed

The moment his boots drop onto the balcony and Homelander strides into the penthouse, he knows something is wrong.

First, there is the absence of you. Not just the lack of your body settled on the couch waiting for him as you often are, but everything you touched. The laptop you diligently type away at while working is gone. The vibrant throw pillows you insisted on getting to make the imposing couch more inviting are missing. The plush blanket you always coiled yourself into wasn't haphazardly thrown over the back of the couch as it always is when not in service. The lack of these items now makes the couch look barren and cold. Now Homelander can see how uninviting the whole thing looks.

There are other pieces of you missing as well. The trinkets and baubles you'd purchased on a whim and set about the penthouse, coloring the space with pieces of you. The discarded books, many with notes and dog-eared pages weren't haphazardly stuffed in strange places. Homelander would check the bedroom, but he knows the closet now has an empty space where your clothing hung.

There's a buzz starting up in his brain, an insistent worry that's setting his teeth on edge as Homelander's mind races across every possible reason why you're gone. You left him. Someone kidnapped you. You finally got tired of him. Someone stole you away. You hate him. Someone is hurting you. The buzzing grows in volume as Homelander's lip twitches up, feet taking him to pace across the floor before a movement in the corner of his eye cuts straight through the noise.

The buzzing goes silent. The colors are correct. Relief rushes over Homelander as he turns to face the figure in full. You, there you are and- 

No. Homelander blinks, drawing back a step as he takes in the woman standing at the entrance of his penthouse. She has your hair color; the cut has been styled like yours, but the texture is off. She's got something close to your complexion, your eye color even, and she's wearing clothing in your usual manner of dress, but everything is wrong. For one, she's thinner. Homelander sneers.

The woman smiles, uncertain as her heart races like a rabbit against her ribs. "Hi." One word uttered and it's all wrong. That's not your voice. That's not your smile. There is no sunshine breaking across this woman's face as she looks at Homelander. Her expression is quiet and expectant, waiting. Anxious.

He inhales slowly, rolling his neck as Homelander clenches his fists at his side. The scent on the air is bitter. She's afraid. She should be.

"No, no, no. Who the fuck are you?" Homelander snaps out, across the room in two long strides and now she's gasping. Gasping because Homelander has his fingers about her throat, gloves creaking softly as his grip tightens and lifts her. "Who the fuck are you?" He repeats, barking the words out.

"I-I'm Vicky," She stammers out as Homelander eases up enough to let her breath and set her feet back on the floor. That rabbit heart is trying to burst free within the woman's chest now, beating all the louder. "Y-your er, new girlfriend...?" Her words end in a panicked squeak as the woman tries to shrink away. 

"New- "Homelander cuts off as he stares at her, head tilted to the side and lip twitching as he digests this bit of information. He swallows and takes in a breath, reeling in his rage as his mind whirls. Vought had decided to replace you. Plucked up some stupid woman who only shares a similar color palette with you, but she isn't you. This woman is nowhere close to the beautiful creature you are.

Vought didn't approve of your secret relationship. They'd deemed you unmarketable. Not the image they wanted to project for the brand. Then there was the hope that Homelander would grow bored of you. To wait out his hyper-fixation on you. The months had crawled by and still Homelander kept you close. You'd moved in, burrowed yourself right into his life as Homelander wanted. 

For some fucking stupid reason, Vought thought a replacement would distract him. As if he's a child, or a dumb dog they've swapped a toy out on. 

"Vicky," Homelander smiles and it's the smile of a shark. All teeth and dead eyes. "How lovely," A purr now as Homelander slides his hand down her neck and brushes his thumb over her collarbone. Her smile is uncertain, but it's still there as she relaxes. The rabbit in her chest calms down. He digs his thumb in as Homelander sucks on his teeth.

Fucking idiot.

There's no warning when Homelander's fist buries itself into the woman's abdomen, only a wheezing hiss as the air is forced out of her. A wet sound follows under all that crunching and grinding of bone as Homelander twists his fist and pulls it back. He clicks his tongue, releasing the woman's corpse to topple across the floor.

Homelander exhales, puffing out his cheeks while looking down at his fist in mild disgust. The red leather hides fresh blood well, but he knows it'll congeal into a darker mess soon enough. Leaning over, he absently wipes it off on the fabric of the woman's sunshine colored dress. The sunshine would look better on you while the smeared red looks better on Vicky as far as Homelander is concerned.

It doesn’t take him long to hunt Ashley down, storming into her office with eyes flashing red. The only reason Homelander doesn’t fucking laser her in two is because she’s crying. Ashley is crying and blowing her nose into a tissue as she looks at Homelander, eyes filled with regret and tears. She’s grown fond of you, Homelander realizes and that’s reason enough not to cave her skull in. Homelander knows you like her well enough, too. Ashley blubbers the story out. They’d wanted you gone. Out of the picture and out of his life. You were an uncontrollable variable that refused to play ball and Edgar wasn’t one for loose strings. A replacement had already been found and was on her way earlier this morning. While Homelander was out on a mission, disposing of you had been easy enough. It only took thirty minutes to pack all of your things, revoke your access to the building and effectively lock you out. Ashley had managed a helping hand in the form of a plane ticket wherever you wished, knowing you no longer rented your own apartment after moving in with Homelander.

It had been a plot against you, he knows this now but why had you gone so willingly? Why weren’t you screaming outside of Vought Tower for him? Why did you take that plane ticket? Something rotten wriggles within Homelander’s heart. He knows he’s not an easy creature to live with and has worn your patience thin some days. The start of your relationship would have been considered rocky at best and there’s all that stalking he did that you still don’t know about. They gave you an out and you took it.

His trip to the airport is swift and no one would dare try to stop the Homelander as he seeks you out at your intended gate. Except you’re not there. You’ve not even checked in yet. He goes to your old apartment next, eyes scanning the building for your form. Your favorite restaurant is next. Then the place that makes your favorite tea. After that he’s hovering above the bookstore you’ve dragged him to. None of them contain you. Homelander is lost for a moment, mind frantic with worry now at where you could be. Then he remembers one of your favorite spots. A park close to where your old apartment is and it’s another place Homelander has been dragged to by you. This is a spot he enjoyed. It was quiet, even in such a bustling city. He always pretended it was a forest clearing you two were enjoying the peace of.

You’re there. Of course you are. You’re settled on a bench, head turned towards the trees as Homelander descends. “Sweetheart,” He growls. It comes out harsher than Homelander wants, but he’s on edge. Why did you leave him? 

You jump, head snapping round and he can see you’ve been crying. Your eyes are puffy, face pinched in pain as Homelander’s heart seizes at the sight. 

“What!?” You stare a beat, before anger rises. You’ve always been his little spitfire. “You had me cast out! They packed me up and kicked me out on your orders! You- You abandoned me…!” The fire smolders and dies as tears leak down your face.

"No, no, no. Not you, never you!" In an instant, all of Homelander's rage vanishes in the face of your sorrow. How could you ever want to leave his side? Foolish of him to even think it. Why would you ever want to leave? He’s beside you, he’s gathering you up in his arms, he’s crushing you gently in his hold. Your sobs are wet, loud, and there’s snot on his suit. Homelander doesn’t care. He shushes you, fingers combing through your hair as the arm about your middle squeezes just a bit tighter. The weight of you sinking against him and into him is a comfort, your flesh yielding under his grip on you.

“I came home and you were gone,” Homelander whispers against your ear as he nuzzles his nose into your hair. He inhales deeply, all of the tension leaving his body as he takes in your scent. “But I’m here now. It’s okay, I’ve got you,” He exhales, pulling back enough to look down at you. Homelander smiles. You’re here, you’re safe, he will never ever let you out of his sight again.

[chaoticloving]

Hello! hope youre doing good!! I was wondering if you could write something about how Harry and Y/n just had to leave each other for work and Harry has an interview the next day and he's a little grumpy?? love SOH so much!!

Management

harry styles x reader (soh masterlist)

summary: harry wants to get back at one of his managers for what he said about his relationship with y/n, which makes for an interesting interview.

warnings: heavy allusions to sex, slut-shaming, and just lhh being the best protective bf ever

a/n: may have taken a bit further than grumpy…love lhh <3

The hotel was perfect: isolated, glamorous, and private. That’s why it was every celebrity’s dream. But to Y/n and Harry, it was their relationship’s paradise.

Y/n had a series of interviews lined up in Montreal and Harry just so happened to be able to fake sick long enough for the Montreal radio interview to be pushed back to an incredible two days. Two days was a lot for them, normally they’d have a phone call, a couple of hours, or even a day if lucky. But two days ment that they could spend the night together, and because One direction flew in on the red eye flight, they could get two.

When Harry checked in with the rest of the band, he went straight to his room, changed to pajamas and a sweatshirt with a hood, and left to room 2089, her room.

Harry got a little queezy on the trip up; his fear of heights combined with his lack of sleep and flying sickness didn’t make for a great combo. He just really needed some sleep.

He sprinted through the halls, knocked on the door, than yanked into the room by the only person he would want to yank him like that.

Y/n pushed him up against the closed door and kissed him. It was definitely messy—it was pass midnight and they’ve both been working, so who could blame them—but perfect for them.

“Darling I love your lips so much but I’m so tired I’m gonna need you to carry be to the bed.” Harry begged. “Need y’a to lift me up bridal style.”

“Mm, think you’ll have to carry me—“ Harry dropped his head so it was on her shoulder, grunting slightly. “—Or we can awkwardly waddle to the bed.”

They collapsed onto the bed, held in each others arms with sleep encompassing the couple right away. Harry was bear-hugging Y/n, practically turning into a blanket with the only goal of supplying her warmth. Y/n was happily hugging and subconsciously combing his long, unruly hair while they slept.

~

The work day started at 9 am. They haven’t seen each other much, but took comfort in the fact they could at least get mindnight to 9 together. Harry was receiving his goodbye kiss soon enough, though. It wasn’t a total loss; Harry got more kisses in the shower and showed Y/n exactly how much he missed her.

Harry was adjusting his pajama shorts as he was reluctantly pushed out of her room and raced to the elevator, making sure he didn’t give a surprise show to any of the guests in the hotel. He was alone in the elevator and ran into no one as he unlocked the door to him room.

He closed the door behind him and sighed, that is until he got spooked by some familiar faces.

“You could’ve let us know you got a booty call before we decided to have a 8am meeting, Styles.” Lenard, one of the many One Direction managers, yelled.

Among him was his mates, Niall, Liam, and Louis. All had their head down and a sorry look at Harry.

“I was only gone for a night.” Harry defended. “Still in the hotel-“

“I don’t want to hear your excuses, boy.” The grouchy man replied. “As punishment, you are on backups for the radio performance-”

“What?!”

“You heard me.” Lenard boomed. He turned to the other singers. “Take this as a warning boys. You’re all excused.” The other boys gave a sorry look to Harry, patting his shoulder, giving a nod, but they all could see was how pissed off Harry had become.

When the door shut, and it was just the two of them, Lenard got back on his bullshit again. “If your main concern is meeting with some girl willing to put herself out-“

“That’s unfair! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Harry yelled back. “I am not just sleeping around, I just missed my girlfriend.”

“Oh right, your girlfriend Y/n, the one who sleeps to get roles” Lenard snickered.

“That is not true you asshole!”

“Whatever you have to tell yourself.” Lenard spoke. Lenard knew fully well who Y/n is, she was the reason Harry wasn’t willing to go into PR relationships with other celebrities. Harry was the most marketable members of One Direction, and Lenard wanted to make sure he could do the most so he could get a raise in his salary.

“You’re more than welcome to fuck around with some other girls. That Jenner one—“

“I already said no, Lenard!” Harry seethed. “I’m sick of all your controlling nagging! I’m singing and dancing my ass off and putting all my work into this and all you can do is complain that I miss one of your surprise meetings!”

Lenard didn’t know what to say, or quite frankly, didn’t care, so he ignored Harry. “You’ll be on closer watch. I will make sure to tell security to never let you out of their sight.”

“That’s unfair-“

“Quiet or you’ll be on backups the rest of tour.” Lenard threatened.

“You can’t do that! I’m half the show!” Harry fought back. “You know the show won’t be any good if I’m on backups.”

“Just clean yourself up and wear what you are suppose to. Downstairs in thirty.”

Lenard walked out, slamming the door behind him. Not letting Harry get a word in.

~

During the whole interview, Harry had on a fake smile. He was glad Y/n taught him how to make a fake smile look more believable, because all he could see was red.

Ever since Zayn left, One direction management had tighten its claws onto the remaining members. Wanting to make the boys sign a new contract, locking in the boys practically permanently. Y/n, like always, came in a clutch when she prevented Harry from signing and got Harry to get a lawyer that wasn’t connect to 1D, providing her own. With this new lawyer, Harry was able to prevent permanent control, letting him drop when he needed; which only caused more chaos in the group.

As sad as he was for his friend for leaving the band, he understood were Zayn came from. Privacy, independence, freedom, that’s all he wanted.

“Harry you’ve been quiet here today, what’s on your mind.” The interviewer asked.

An idea came to Harry: subtly piss off management. His fake smile turned into a smirk.

“I’m thinking about a shag a recently had.” Harry replied.

“A shag?”

“A shag.” He said bluntly. “Now I got this song idea in my head.”

“How interesting.” The interviewing commented, trying to find an interesting yet pg way to spin this, yet all Harry could focus on was the middle aged men in suits on the other side of glass, all glaring at Harry, roaring up to end this.

“Anyone in particular?”

“According to public opinion, I can only ever write songs about one girl, so everyone can go figure who I’d sleep with.”

One of the managers banged on the window. Everyone looked up as he made a wrapping up sign with his hand. Harry smiled, proud of himself.

“Well, that’s One Direction for you folks…”

~

“That bloody fucker—“

“Hey, hey, hey.” One of the other managers, an older rich guy by the name of Vincent—the most tolerable out of the bunch, calmed Lenard down.

“He just ruined that interview! We’re going to have a weeks worth of bad press!”

“I already contacted them and they agreed to cuts Harry’s part…”

The voices trailed off as Harry snuck out of the group and into an elevator at the hotel, he made eye contact with one of the members of security but the man, Paul, had a soft spot for young love and simply looked away.

Harry pressed button twenty and the doors quickly shut, the elevator starting its climb to the high floor. He raced to Y/n’s room as the doors opened and rapidly knocked on her door.

“It’s me!” He yelled, knowing a crazy fan would knock the same way he was.

The door swung open and Y/n was met with a sad tall man, so genuinely looked like he needed a hug.

“Harry?” She ushered him inside, locking the door and pulling him in for a hug. “What happened?”

“Management.” Harry sighed. “I got yelled at for not being in my room because apparently there was an impromptu meeting this morning. Then I kinda implied we were together to stick it to him during the interview and said i was writing a song about us having sex and now he’s pissed and I’m so so sorry.”

Y/n broke apart from Harry’s tight hug, pulling back to get a look at the man, once boy, that was apologizing for standing up for himself. She couldn’t believe it. Against Lenard too, which makes Harry’s actions much more valid.

She stroked his cheek, looking into his green eyes that had a tinge of red from tears of anger forming in his eyes. “Hey if it’s to stick it to that Lenard then I’ll release our sex tape if it mean he’d quit and leave us alone.” Y/n joked, causing Harry to let out a much needed sigh of laughter.

“He’d probably drop me after that.”

“Yeah but he’d be jealous.” Harry smiled again, looking at the love of his life. He hand traced her jaw, and thumb traced her lip.

Harry nodded agreeing with the plan, until his face quickly went sour. “But my mum would kill me—god.” Y/n giggled as Harry look deeply annoyed.

“I think it’s time.” Harry’s decided, taking a deep breath before he continued. “I think I’ll bring it up with the others.”

“Really?” Y/n asked.

“Yeah. Lenard has already threatened to make me back up and he said some stuff about you-“ He took a deep breath. “I think I could do better on my own, with my own team. People who don’t care if I sleep with you, or sing about sex.” Harry chuckled, leaning into the fantasy.

“Oh yeah? And how would this sex song go?”

“Hmm.” Harry thought, before singing a jingle of a tune. “I just want to taste it.”

“Haha. You’re funny.” She chided. “Remember to never let your dick do the writing here.”

“Maybe writing about sex is a bit too much. Even for me.” Harry thought. “He would make it way to rude for public radio.”

“He?”

“Yeah my dick, Ed.” Harry teased. “You want to meet him again?”

“Wait Ed like Edward, your middle name?”

“Yeah and Ward is the name of my bonus nipple—“

“I think it’s time for bed.” Y/n interrupted. “You need sleep.”

Harry nodded and followed her lead, stripping himself until he was left in his boxers and she was in her bra and panties. Sex definitely was not on the menu tonight, but they both were a sucker to intimacy and body warmth.

“I’m flying out tomorrow morning.”

“Don’t remind me.” Harry groaned.

“I was thinking, you come with me.” Y/n asked.

“You mean I should skip interviews tomorrow?”

“You have sick days you’re entitled to.” Y/n reminded him, booping his nose. “They can’t sue you for catching a cold. And you definitely look sick in my expert opinion.”

“I guess I’ll take your word for it.” Harry snuggled closer. “Where are we going then?”

“Plane goes to England. Maybe see your mum and then leave to Italy?”

“That sounds so perfect.” Harry sighed, knowing that honestly sounds amazing. “I love you.” He kissed her face, sprinkling them all over her face. “So much.”

“I already said I love you. Don’t make me regret that." Y/n said, sleep taking over her voice. “Goodnight Harry.”

“Night, love.”

[all444miles]

Hiii, I just saw that you were doing requests so I was wondering if you could do e-42 miles with black readers hair? Like helping her pick out different braiding and natural styles, maybe some wash day headcanons as well?

— TOUCH MY HAIR

— pairing: e-42 miles x fem!black!reader — genre: fluff — summary: just miles loving you and your hair ‹3 — a/n: tyyyy for this req, i am squealing rn + i alr had this idea in my prompt list but u gave me a reason to start it !! ‹3 my hcs always got miles saying sum outta pocket then the reader calls him out then he goes “my fault”, its a lil funny motif ima keep on adding 😭 also the n word is used a bit in this, js sayin!! enjoy ♡ ᖭི(ˊᗜˋ*)ᖫྀ

we all know n we've established this, miles is more than happy to pay for ur shit, esp if its your hair.

he wouldn't think twice before sending you the money for you to get your hair done. he wont listen or care if you say no, either.

"miles, bae, why u sendin me 200?" "what else? so you can get your hair done, mami." "baby, you know damn well that's too much." "buy yourself some other stuff too, if you wanna, but that money yours now, i ain't takin it back." "you.. you do too much." "mhm, make sure to show me a pic of when you get it done, you heard?"

he's always your hype man, for sure.

i got a feeling he a major fan of faux locs or boho/godess braids, so if you got that on? he'll fold.

"dayum ma, that shit looks good." "i cant even lie, Aaliyah did real good on this. she sure was tryna make me go broke though.." "worth every cent, cuz you look fine as hell with them faux locs." "miles." "im just saying, mami, your hair, like.. lord have mercy." "miles!" "my fault, i ain't lying though."

when your hair’s all natural, he loves to watching you style your hair for school, events, etc.

one time you let him style your hair, and you couldn’t even lie, it actually looked pretty good.

“these edges.. how do y'all do this shit every day?” “miles, baby, it ain’t that hard. look, lemme show you.”

you had to show him a quick tiktok tut on how to do edges, took him 2 videos before he got it 😭

“see that? like a c shape, and swoop it.” “..like this?” “yeah! you gotta do that like, 4 more times though.” “ay, dios mio. (oh my God). Mama, i ain’t doing allat.”

and wash day? his absolute favorite.

(short drabble ahead!)

Good Days by SZA played from Miles' speaker, blasting in the background, the gentle splashes of the warm water from the shower onto your curls.

You relaxed, your head leaning back further into the bathtub, your lover grabbing your scalp massager and rubbing it into your scalp carefully, shampoo mixed in, the rest of your products on the end corner of your bathtub.

"Ma, you know you really needed this wash. Your hair was tangled as shit, like a lion or sum.” he says, laughing halfway through his sentence. You scoff at him jokingly, "Miles, when you have hair as long and thick as mine, you can violate my hair."

Miles protested, adding the conditioner to your hair, setting your scalp massager aside. "Baby, my hair is basically almost as long as yours."

"Yeah, almost." you spoke, putting your fingers up to his face in pinching motion, the gems on your acrylics just an inch close to touching his nose, a grin on your face. He backed up, pushing your hands out of his face, continuing your wash routine. "Princesa, lemme finish washing yo hair without your hands all up in my face."

About 3 and a half hours later, your hair was washed and in overnight twists with your bonnet on. You laid with Miles in your bed, legs on top of each others, tired.

"Y'know, you actually good at dealin' wit my hair." you spoke, giving Miles a kiss on his forehead. “When you got a mama like mine, you pretty much have to.” Miles chuckled, shaking his head. “You should let me do it more often.” You smiled in response.

He buried his head into the crook of your neck, slowly dozing off by the way you'd play with the silk of his durag. "I love you Miles."

He mumbled words once again into your neck, half asleep, but you knew what he said.

"I love you more, mi vida."

© all444miles 2023. do not plagerize, copy, or repost my work in any way shape or form, without my permission.

likes, reblogs, comments and asks are always appreciated !

[grapejuicestyless]

What A Waste

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: You and Harry swore that you would one day marry each other if you were to grow up and not already have a lover. Yet, when the time comes and the two of you are wed, Harry cannot let himself enjoy it.

ANGST

I’m standing at the alter, hands clasped together and eyes looking towards the door at the end of the aisle. Yet my hands do not shake, and my cheeks dk not ache with the pain only a genuine smile can cause. My heart does not pound out of my chest because I am not in love. The girl coming down the aisle is nothing more but a pawn in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe once, I would’ve held those feelings towards her, but our blood has since ran cold. Any fond memories tainted by our final goodbye.

She wasn’t very interesting to look at. Maybe, at least if my heart couldn’t love her, I could have something nice to look at. Something delicate, pretty. But her lips were pouty and her eyes held clouds over them. There was nothing attractive about the solemn face that hid her beauty.

When her hands hold mine, and her face is just inches from my own, I find it within myself to recite the vows I’d written for her. Carefully constructed to sound like a true loving husband, but with no true emotion that not even she, in her most oblivious state would ever have accounted for.

When she read hers, I saw her hands shaking. Her lip trembling and the furrow in her brow as she stumbled on her words. How embarrassing, how nervous she was. Acting like it was all real. Finding a way to make theater into reality.

How softly, she told me she would. Love me forever, take care of me and support me from the sidelines. Even softer, she mumbled about how even when she was riddled with arthritis, sick and tired, she would still twirl my hair the way I lived when we were children. When I kissed her, I felt nothing. When I pulled away, her smile could have fooled me. How genuinely happy she looked. But I remember the way she left me, and I remember how it could never truly be real. And I remember why I hate her, how I could never love her. Not even a little bit, not even at all.

…………………………………………………………………………………

“H?” She calls me by the nickname she gave to me when we were younger. I don’t realize that even now, twenty years later her mind had still clung to it as if it would be any importance to her anymore.

“Don’t call me that.” I’m bitter, I hate the way it sounds so sweet on her tongue. I hate the way her smile falls when I reprimand her, and most of all I hate the way I’m forever bound to her. With all the money in the world, nothing could separate us, no matter how hard I tried.

She rubs her arms, wearing her fluffy pink pajama pants and a shirt thats reads, “We think Harry had the X-Factor” so cracked, it almost doesn’t even read correctly anymore. The words die on her tongue, look at what I found? I see her enthusiasm melt away. When her eyes drift to the unmade bed and her feet start to move, I speak again.

“No.” Her confused face infuriates me. How could she not understand the justification of my cruelty.

“Your room is down the hall.” The one with the squeaky mattress and dusty floorboards. The one with photos of my old house, with the old garden and the old cats. It’s empty and the heat doesn’t work very well. But the cold from her heart wouldn’t mind it, truly.

I hate how her hair lingers on every surface. I hate how her perfume wafts into the bathroom while I shower. And now, more than all, I hate how she looks at me with rounded eyes glossed over almost too innocently.

But she is not an idiot. We both know it. Silence speaks volumes, I know she pieces together the puzzle as she walks away. The shirt hanging loosely off of her shoulder and her face hidden from my view. She never looks back. She doesn’t say goodnight.

…………………………………………………………………………………

“Do you think we’d be soulmates in another universe?” I ask, tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. The fresh England summer air hot and humid. I say it with dirt on my skin, grass stuck to my knees. I pull at the ribbons in her hair and watch how she smiles. We were only children then. Fourteen and convinced we were all grown up.

“Why not in this one?” She asked honestly, looking at me with so much truth in her eyes, I believed her. And the way her hand fit into mine, I could feel my heart pounding. And I knew then, she was the one for me. The way my body reacted, how quickly my heart pounded so violently, I thought it might burst from my chest. Too young to be kissing and too old to not think about it, we stare at each other in the wet grass in the backyard and wait for the final sunset to disappear into the horizon, my eyes looking into hers and her hand in my hair.

For a long while, I believed what she did. We were soulmates, we were bound together. Always by my side, always encouraging me. She makes shirts for my family while I start my career. She helps me rehearse my songs and her voice makes me believe that it should be her on stage, not me.

When the band is formed, and One Directions fate is sealed into greatness, I spend the last summer of normalcy singing in the fields and holding her hand like real good friends would. Her hand in my hair again, twirling it between her finger and her thumb. I want to kiss her, but the smile on her face makes me too nervous to. I think she has the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. I think she is the prettiest girl I’ll ever see.

“When we are twenty eight and not married yet, will you marry me?” She asks me in the last week of that August. It confuses me, it’s such a random age. It’s so young. But the idea of getting to be with her forever makes my cheeks flush.

“Why twenty eight? Why not forty?” She laughs, says something on how I’ll find it silly. For a girl with as much potential as her to wish for something so silly.

“I want to have a warm house with a soft bed. A dog and two cats and children. I want two boys and a girl. I want a white fence to keep them in from the street and little family trips where we can all laugh and be happy. And with all of that, I hope I am a writer still. I hope I have critically acclaimed novels and a Nobel Peace Prize.” And I don’t think her dreams are stupid. And even though her dreams are so hard to make real, the way she dreams about it out loud makes me believe it will happen to her.

When we leave the grassy field that night, I have no idea it will be the last I’ll see of her for a while. All I know is in the morning my mother has a solemn look on her face and a letter in her hand. When she sits me down to read it, all I hear beyond the violent ringing is my mother telling me she is gone. She left, only leaving behind her empty promises and a tainted memory of what I once believed to be something so pure and precious.

I don’t see the letter. Maybe if I had, I would have known it was in her father’s handwriting. And my dear Y/n hadn’t left me because the beating of her heart lost its rhythm in me, but because she was forced away into a house that would never be her home.

…………………………………………………………………………………

“God, you are a self-righteous prick.” She huffs, quickly untying the apron from her waist, letting the blue and yellow fabric fold over her hips and be discarded on the shiny tile floors. Not yet scuffed from the lack of dancing. Never truly loved. But I wouldn’t know what the difference was. I stopped learning how to love when love walked out on me.

“And you must be a victim!” She sticks out her tongue and groans, rolling her eyes and walking down the hall. The lights are dim, candles burning. It’s her own touch. She claimed she hated the big lights. The smaller ones made it much more homely. I didn’t care enough to fight her then, but as I stumble around I wish I had.

“I gave you everything! I gave you a roof to live under. All the money on the goddamn earth and all the glory! And yet you are ungrateful!” I spit at her with venom I don’t even know I possess.

“Oh my god, you don’t even know me!” She turns, and her eyes are crazy, hair wild. “My own husband doesn’t even know me!” She says it like it hurts her.

“Don’t call me that.” I tell her firmly. I try not to look at the rock on her finger, how it taunts me.

“What does it embarrass you? I hope it does. I hope all of your friends tease and taunt you for marrying the girl you never wanted, but had to have!” She laughs then, stepping closer to me, her finger in my chest.

“I will not let a loveless marriage strip me of my heart and my soul. You can hate me, but you should know better than to think you would have any power to strip me of my humanity.” She said it with such power, her voice shook with the same fierceness she felt in her bones. And yet, her anger didn’t lead me astray. For the first time in our loveless marriage, I felt a twinge of guilt for the innocent girl who I let bleed so gruesomely on the floor of our own home.

“Believe it or not, I am not the cruel witch you make me out to be. I am a woman, the same woman who loved you all those years ago. I still dream of having children and cats and a dog. A damn white picket fence! But, what a waste! Our agreement! If it could have at least given me that, or god forbid it had brought us together! I am still the same woman who loved you, and it is clear to me you are not the same man. You are bitter and I pity you because you must be so unhappy to feel the need to be that way.”

“And what else? Do you still dream of a medal in your honor for your writing? Or has that woman finally grown up to smell the roses and see that the world isn’t always built just for her.” I should’ve backed down, the moment she showed vulnerability, but for some reason I could not shut my mouth. I needed the last word.

“I outgrew those dreams the second I married you.” If my heart wasn’t shattered completely then, it had been now. And why? Over some words a girl I claimed to hate had to share?

“What a shame too. A book full of stories of us destined to the fire on our wedding night. And even if I were to write again, who would read about how you broke my heart? And how I continue to let you stomp it out until there is nothing but the dust that remains.” When she leaves, her dress sways behind her. She’s wearing my sweatshirt and she has the same white ribbons in her hair she had all those years ago. She never really did lie to me, did she.

She was only a girl. Ribbons tied into her hair and a white dress with lace so frilly, it resembled her wedding dress. A dress I never appreciated. I wondered if I looked into the old box of photos of the day we were destined for failure, if I would find any photos of her in all her innocence. Or, if that same smile she greeted me with before she knew me would be tainted with the same hate I bred inside of her through my own negligence.

I regret every feeling I’d ever felt towards her. How I called her plain, uninteresting, unlikable. The realization of this guilt hits so hard, it is undeniable. I feel this way because I have succeeded. I have crushed the heart of a girl who continued to love me through my greed. And I know I have succeeded through the look in her eyes and the frown lines by her lips. The lines that once represented deep smiles gone in an instant.

She only solidifies what I know when I see her suitcase by the door. Practically empty, nothing in this house is truly hers. She has gone from one loveless house to another, not yet finding her home. Not yet living her dream.

“You don’t need to divorce me, but I can’t stay. Not now. Not when I still love you. I can’t come back until every piece of you is gone. Maybe then, your insults won’t hurt so much, and we could get along.” She smiles softly, but it’s so fake it hurts my heart.

I don’t stop her, but I wish I had. This house isn’t a home without her. If I could change it, I would. I still loved her, and thats what makes it all sting so much more. The tormenting, the pain and the tears. All a result of two soulmates bound to be together, yet one of them refused to let it happen.

I hope she’ll come back soon. Sooner than last time. And I hope her heart still yearns for me. I’ll propose to her for real this time, not just under circumstance. And when she walks down the aisle, I’ll shake just as badly as she did the first time. And we can laugh about our experience in our first try at rekindling our flame, and we can finally have a house with a fence and two boys and a girl, a dog and two cats. And she can write about how wonderful her life is and win every award there is to win. And I will stand beside her like a good husband because I love her.

I will spend each hour she is gone wishing for her to come back. For the ache to ease itself. And what a waste. If only I could write a good song about it without ranting and going off into small tangents. If only I could’ve done it right. If only it could have brought us together.

[academic-comeback]

Week 1: Routines

Routines. Are. Everything. But they are also completely up to you. Establishing one can be difficult, but I have found is essential to a functional life. And it doesn't require a 7am wakeup every morning and falling asleep exactly at 11pm every night (those of us with insomnia, anxiety and others who just can't seem to switch their brains off will most definitely understand how difficult that can be), but it means keeping your life as organized as possible. College-era jobs are unpredictable. So is life. I personally work in food service, where schedules are variable and not entirely up to me. One day I could be opening and getting home at 4pm, while another day I'll get there at 4pm and close, working until 11pm depending on the job hours and who stays extra late just talking. What you do outside of the uncontrollable makes or breaks you. Routines, to me, are more about organizing the time you *do* have, no matter when that is. So in creating a schedule, you need to list your priorities, no matter what they may be. You also need to be able to be flexible, especially if you're working. Even if you're not working, staying strict in your routines can make life boring, and could lower the chances that you'll stick to them. Rigidness in the things you can control makes people like me not want to do them, so we should be open to changing *when* we get things done, as long as they get done within our set time frame. So, to create the routine. List priorities. Essential priorities while in college should probably include studying, keeping a tidy dorm or bedroom, hygiene, eating, classes, sleeping. Personal priorities might include hobbies, exercise, spending time with friends, calling home, or setting some alone time. My Current Priorities:

Keep room tidy

Take a shower before bed

Study during allotted times (Monday-Wednesday, 3hrs)

Read for at least 30 minutes a day

Ceramics on Thursday mornings

Get 8 hrs of sleep a night

So, my morning routine would look like waking up at my set time, and making my bed. I might go ahead and brush my teeth, style my hair, and make breakfast or lunch (depending on how hungry I am), before heading to ceramics if it happens to be a Thursday, or reading if not. Maybe I have work that morning and I'll get ready for that. At some point during this routine, you may want to look at your planner and figure out the rest of the day. What classes are you going to? What assignments are due? Do I have a space in between classes to study, complete assignments, eat, and decompress? A lot of this might already be planned out, and you might already have a great understanding of this routine. But if you get started in thinking about it, you might feel better prepared for the rest of the day, rather than forgetting that this club meeting is happening, you picked up a shift and need to head to work straight after class, the due date for this assignment got moved or this exam is in two weeks and I need to start studying today. Or whatever the case may be.

Night time routines, for me, are more about reflecting and decompressing. Once 11:59 hits and all of today's assignments are due, it's time to close the laptop and think about anything but. This is a good time to indulge in a relaxing hobby like crochet, reading, writing/journaling, or even simply watching an episode or two of your favorite show. It's a great time to wind down, perhaps take that shower if you're a night person, and slip into some comfy clothes. Maybe this is the time that you study some more, if you're a night owl, or maybe you're already asleep if you're an early bird. Personally, a shower is how I mainly decompress. It's where I reflect on my day while also taking care of myself. I'll blow-dry my hair if it's a wash day and head to bed. Sometimes I'll read, sometimes I'll watch a show, other days I'm too tired to think and will fall straight asleep. The big picture is to know yourself and routines that work best for you. If you get work done best at night, this is the time to be doing schoolwork and studying. Take mid-day to be your time to decompress and indulge in hobbies and other activities. Early-birds may prefer to get up early and indulge in these hobbies, studying, or anything else, and leave night time for whatever else. But also, learn to give yourself grace. You aren't going to die because you overslept one morning and missed half (or all) of your classes. Or because you got a late start to studying. Or because you spent a day or two not really doing anything. In my YouTube research of people who've made their academic comebacks, the baseline is that as long as they met their goals *most* of the time, they remained successful. Strict routines are not always going to fall into place. They make life boring, and keep you from being social sometimes, which is really important for your mental health, which is most important for your overall success. Sometimes, life even gets in the way and your gym time may be overrun by a friend's sports game or performance. Maybe someone's upset and you have to tend to that. Or, a dreaded exam is scheduled for the middle of the time you've scheduled for tuba practice. Maybe this means you can't go to the gym or practice that day. Or you'll have to leave social time for tomorrow. This is not the end of the world. You are still just as successful as you were yesterday when you checked everything off of your to-do list. The Bottom Line. Establish routines. Stick to them as best you can. Give yourself grace. You are human. Academic weapons are human. We are not robots. You. Will. Survive.

[devilfic]

uh..hi, I see you are accepting requests; Bruce wayne (battinson) with a gothic s/o? I leave everything to your discretion ( I'm a little new here on tumblr and this is my first request so sorry if I did something wrong,sorry :(

❝bruce wayne with a gothic s/o❞

pairing: battinson!bruce wayne x gn!reader. cw: mentions of/use of blood. words: 1.1k.

a/n: you're perfectly fine!! dw bub. also, I hope my representation of the goth community is adequate. I am a fan of the music but am still very much a baby bat ;-;

for all intents and purposes, bruce IS a goth

but to be honest, he isn't really in the culture

he definitely went through a modest phase as a teenager but because of the public eye, he probably wasn't allowed to lean into it in regard to looks

but music has always been a way for him to express himself

and come on, the guy lives in goth-am. the archetypes write themselves

I could see him having a steady rotation of grunge rock, alternative, and goth rock on his playlists

alfred has never really understood the ominous choirs or the skull-shaking bass but “go off, master bruce” as he would say

he would not say that

and let’s face it, take bruce to a goth club or something and no one will be able to tell that he’s not familiar

in the event that bruce ends up with a gothic s/o, I think he would be quietly fascinated over you

you would catch him watching as you put together outfits, do your hair or makeup, etc. with this slightly unnerving stare that you’re unfortunately used to, but the difference between bruce’s stare and others’ is that you can tell he’s fascinated

whenever he finds something that appeals to him, he tends to get a little lost watching it

it’s really endearing when you happen to catch him doing it to you all the time ;-;

asking him what he’s thinking about when he looks at you usually helps get him out of the trance

he sometimes asks if you can try looks on him that he otherwise wouldn’t do himself

he doesn’t really like to do this, but he does have to keep up the image of a squeaky clean ceo that definitely doesn’t dress up as a giant bat every night, so whatever you do to him has to come off in one hot shower

the first time you ever took a tub of gel to his hair and drew on some elaborate eyeliner and eyeshadow, he’d stared at the mirror as if he was trapped inside someone else’s body

he was used to caking black paint on his eyes in a messy, undone up way of course, so he’d never looked this… deliberately pretty

he really couldn’t begin to consider wearing looks like this out with you because, again, squeaky clean ceo

but you’ve gotten plenty of pictures of him in the privacy of wayne tower to make up for it

but wouldn’t he just look darling in a corporate goth getup? ;-;

he would. because that’s literally his fashion style right now

as for music, I mentioned in my headcanons for bruce making you a playlist that he absolutely loves taking recommendations from you and playing them in the batcave at a deafening volume

it’s his love language: including bits of you into his routine

now I said that he’s not able to dress up with you when you go out, but that doesn’t by any means mean that he feels you shouldn’t either

bruce is a secretive, possessive lover anyway. it’s very rare you two are spotted together outside of the tower, especially in his early days as batman

when he starts getting back into the swing of being Bruce Wayne, there are plenty of public events that he’s asked to attend

of which he usually just goes to by himself

but once you two have been together long enough, I think bruce would start asking if you’d be okay being his date to things

like he knows that some of this stuff isn’t your cup of tea, and he knows better than any one that gotham high society is brutal to anyone who doesn’t “fit in”, so he would never want to put you into a position where you felt uncomfortable or ostracized

but he also genuinely is proud to have you by his side, and he’s a little tired of bringing alfred as his date to things LMAO

he makes it painstakingly clear that you’re free to be yourself. he doesn’t want you to put on some facade just to appeal to people that bruce doesn’t actually care about

if you want to go all out at galas, he’s all for it

hell, he’ll even don a few accessories (your choice) to match you

speaking of

I know that not every goth is into this BUT I am

if you and bruce were to get even more serious (or married!), I think that he would be interested in exchanging blood jewelry with you

it’d come up one night as you’re patching him up, pressing a cloth to a cut in his cheek that he got on patrol

he’d be a bit unsure about how to go about asking you since he has no idea if it’d freak you out

but he proposes it carefully, “I’ve seen these... rings. unique rings. I thought about getting us a pair”

when you ask for further explanation, he tells you about artisans who take your blood and fashion them into beautiful bands of silver

they’re minimalist, subtle, and mean something

“I’d like to carry you with me, in a way. what do you think?”

if you’re down, he is excited to get the actual rings done

he has alfred draw the blood for both of you, sending it off to get made, and when the rings come back he immediately finds you to try them on

your matching rings are stunning, a trick of the light that makes others think they’re made of garnet or stained, tempered glass

and if anyone asks, that’s what he might say

it’s your little secret ^^

ALSO

YOU CAN’T STOP ME

if you happen to show him the crow (1994), he is super gonna wanna dress up as eric for halloween with you

I’m talking full face of white paint and black eyeliner/lipstick, tight leather pants, ripped muscle shirt, the WORKS

like, LOOK at the material

you cannot tell me bruce wouldn’t be made for this look

it’d be a few steps out of his comfort zone with the elaborate makeup and the tight-fitting clothing, but I think he’d do it just to have you compliment him

god forbid you tell him that the look suits him and he should wear it more often

I said bruce has to play the role of the squeaky clean ceo but he loves you, public image be damned

I would give anything to be a citizen of gotham experiencing eric!bruce

I would be the biggest pick me ever, I’m sorry dear reader

but all jokes aside, I think bruce would really enjoy having a gothic s/o! he would think ur really cool and hot wear your blood as a priceless accessory (if you’re down) <3

taglist: @yikes-buddy @alexxavicry @moonlightreader649

[yorshie]

My beloved raccoon! I have. So many questions. Feel free to skip any of them. But I must know your Bayverse Raph thoughts for 21, 19, 12, 8, 7, and 6 for the aak game please?

-spoon❤️

I will not skip ANY of them thank you dear friend, and thank you for asking! hehehe big red a la bayverse style coming right up! @justalotoffanfiction

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I am terrified of falling. Heights are also a no go, but I suffer from vertigo and so I totally understand why Raph doesn't want to jump from the plane. *shudder*

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

I really like when the fandom shows how soft Raph can be if he's given the opportunity, and how he's always looking out for others. When they let him be the cuddly teddy bear.

8. What's sp,something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

I wouldn't say despise, but I get tired of the trope where Raph is Always looking for a fight, whether it be with his brothers or with random people they run into. I don't really have interest in seeing him portrayed as someone that speaks in a mean manner to everyone that crosses his path and you just have to tolerate it.

12. What's a head canon you have for this character?

I head canon that Raph is terrified of bugs and creepy crawlies. He can pull hair from the shower drain all day long but if he catches a glimpse of something with more than four legs he turns into a big baby.

19 How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Hm.... I'm not really a fan of Raph's relationship with Casey and how it left off in the films, but I have a Fic idea that builds on it and "fixes" it so it doesn't bother me as nearly as much as it did when I first saw the movie.

21. if you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

Hm... My favorite thing to do with Raph is to put him in domestic situations, but I guess that's what I like with every turtle. I'm pretty predictable lol. The thing I don't like doing however, is making him scary to reader. I fully live by the "big scary character is not scary to you" mindset when it comes to Raph. If he were scary to reader, then that would just hurt Ra......... oh..... (well. shit.)

[nimuetheseawitch]

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

what hair products do you use?

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

Elliot Schafer (In Other Lands) - I reread this book so often

Hawkeye Pierce (MASH)

Johnny Jaqobis (Killjoys)

Vala Mal Doran (SG-1)

Rodney McKay (SGA)

Eleanor Shellstrop (The Good Place)

Anne Shirley (Anne With An E - I did love the books as a kid, but this adaptation grabbed my heart)

Sabriel and Lireal (Abhorsen/Old Kingdom Trilogy)

Various others depending on what I'm into at the moment - fiction has always been my comfort and escape

which cryptid being do you believe in?

I answered this question here, but in summary, I'm generally pretty skeptical. In a slightly different answer, I love the idea of cryptids being wholly real, just the kinds of animals we haven't seen often enough to ever believe are real enough. There are so many "new" species "discovered" all the time, and we've barely scratched the surface of so many things. We've catalogued only a small portion of the species of fungus in the world, we keep on learning really weird new things about lichen, and every time we send down a new submersible to the deep ocean we find something new. We've only seen a handful of giant squid specimens, but they're real. The world is still full of mystery.

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

In the room I'm currently in? Only one. But I went and counted the ones in the kitchen, and I own at least 8 more (I think I have some in storage in my camping gear, and this isn't counting the bladder-style ones for backpacking) and my partner owns a similar number. And this is after we've moved several times and gotten rid of water bottles each time. I used to work as a camp counselor and then backpacking instructor, so....I have a lot of hydration options.

what hair products do you use?

Oh man, this is a question. Right now I'm at a weird place with hair products because I'm trying to find some new ones.

I'm using the end of one type of dandruff shampoo because I don't want to throw it out, but then I'm switching to Vanicream's dandruff shampoo (I'm switching a lot of products to allergen-free and unscented because I've been having issues).

And I just switched to Vanicream conditioner.

I currently use a styling cream from Curl Smith but am just using that until it's gone and then switching back to SheaMoisture's Coconut and Hibiscus Style Milk and hoping it does what I want it to do (it's been like 3 years since I used it, and it was the last leave-in conditioner-type thing I really liked).

I also am currently using a Ouidad gel, but it mostly is just a very expensive product that doesn't do it's job nearly as well as the very cheap gel I used to use. Gonna switch to Vanicream's hair gel once I run out of that because one of my big issues with my old gel was scent, and Vanicream is supposedly scent-free.

I also have SheaMoisture's Coconut and Hibiscus Mousse, which I've been using along with water to refresh my curls on days 3-5 of my wash.

It seems like a lot, but I literally only wash my hair at most once a week, so whatever. I also occasionally try out some deep conditioners and masks, and I use a baby shampoo as a clarifying shampoo about once a month. And there's the Manic Panic Enchanted Forest dye that I'm using until I finish growing out the dyed bits (I'm sad to see the green hair go after this many years, but I'm just so tired of dying it). I also am a big fan of my Denman brush, which I only use in the shower, and my satin cap that I sleep in - it has done more for reducing frizz than any single product I have ever used.

I have been on a hair journey recently, but I'm nearing the goal because I was able to leave my hair down every single day this week instead of throwing it in a messy bun or braid because my curl pattern frizzed out. That was probably way more info than you needed, but it's kinda cool to see it all written out. I have spent about two decades trying to figure out my curly/wavy hair ever since I chopped it all off in high school and discovered I had curls.

weirder asks

[lala3244]

I am not good with titles so another short story ... Well, of Duskwood obviously....

(Yes, I am bored...)

(Warnings: Some spoilers//Some consumption of alcohol// Some bad words?)

I decided to go another way... And it is after episode 10 as I can't seem to think of anything that could have happened during the other episodes...

================================================

It is a few weeks after Hannah has been saved and we knew who the man without a face was. I kept in touch with the group, texting them often, especially Jessy. I kept myself busy after the incident of the mine. I started running. I hate it but the pain I feel when I run makes me forget about the betrayal and the fact I haven't heard from Jake since he told me I love you. There is a nice lake where I live, I run there alone. Always alone. I make a point to run every day even if it snows or rains. I hate it so much it makes me feel good, somehow.

So this morning, I drive myself to the lake. It's a nice morning, a bit cold but it doesn't matter, it makes the run even more painful especially at the beginning, it makes forgetting all my problems quicker. I don't know what's wrong with me, that's not how I usually deal with my feelings. It actually is the opposite, I stay home under my cover and I don't move for days... Maybe because I had worst in my life. I lost the love of my life a few years ago and part of me went with him. I guess I don't care as much as I should...

I run for an hour, punishing myself and pushing myself more than usual who knows why?

I come back home. I am welcomed by my cat, I don't know what I would have done without him. He is such a sweetie and so affectionate, my heart melts every time I look at him. I go up the stairs, followed by my cat, to my bathroom and take a shower. After that I get dressed and put my hair in a bun. I don't care what I look like, I won't get out of my house today anyway.

I grab my phone from my bedroom, I always leave my phone home when I run, and I see that I have a missed call and a text message

Good morning, this Alan Bloomgate, with Hannah still in jail, we still need your statement. When do you think you will be able to come over here?

Regard

Alan

I sigh. I have no idea if I wanted to go. I want to meet the group of friends but I am really nervous about that. Well, scared would be a better word. What if they don't like me? What if I make them uncomfortable with my awkwardness and my weird sense of humour? What if...?? I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. I growl and shake my head to get these stupid questions out. I start typing a message to Alan but I don't really know what to say.

Good morning Alan, I am sorry but I don't think I will come to Duskwood any time soon.

Have a good day

I send the text and I wait. I don't have to wait for long 30 seconds later I have a new text message.

Thank you for your reply. If you can't come then I guess we can do that via video chat. Would that be an option for you? It will be recorded so we have some traces of your statement.

When I read the message, I am a bit surprised. I guess my deposition is really important. I think about it for a few seconds and I decide that it's not a bad idea.

Yes, a video chat will be ok then. I understand that it will be recorded, that is not a problem. Can you tell me when and what time? I am free anytime, any day. Just say the time and it's agreed

He answers quickly again. I guess he is not busy.

I can do this afternoon. 2pm. It gives me the time to set up everything.

I reply with a short answer and lock my phone. It is time to eat. As I don't like cooking I make myself some scrambled eggs and some toast, boring but sooooo good!

After eating, I wash the dishes up and go back upstairs to the bathroom. I look at myself. I don't look that tired for once but I need to do something about my hair. I styled my hair a bit and put on some light make up. I want to look presentable for the video call even though it doesn't really matter.

2pm arrives. I am not going to lie, I am a bit anxious. I wait impatiently with my phone in my hands, shaking. My phone rings, it startles me and I almost drop it. My heart constricts in my chest and my hands are sweating. I answer the call and I see a man in his mid thirties and quite attractive. He introduces himself. I am left speechless because I didn't think someone as young could be a police chief. He asks me to tell my full name and then different questions about Hannah and the others, how I came into contact with them... I hear him type on his computer while I talk. After an hour, he smiles. My heart skips a beat. He has a really nice smile, warm and comforting. I only saw a smile like that once in my life and I fell in love with it but now it was gone forever. My chest hurts me while I think about it. I smile back, shyly. But then I understand why he smiles at me. He asks me about the hacker and what I am willing to tell him about him. I frown as I tell him I don't know what he is talking about. I got good at lying about my feelings even though the anxiety is at its peak and I hope my face doesn't betray anything. He nods but this time, he isn't typing. He laughs, I can see he understands that there is no point in continuing this topic. I sigh quietly, relieved that I don't have to think about more lies on the spot. He bids me goodbye and tells me that he will let me know about Hannah. I thank him and hang up. It leaves me exhausted, I grab a blanket, wrap it around me and I lie down on my sofa. My cat comes over to me, rolls onto me and quickly falls asleep. I take him in my arms and follow him in dreamland.

A few weeks pass. The group keeps texting me which made me really glad. I am not prepared for them to stop texting me. I know, it's selfish but for the last few months, they are the air I needed to feel alive again. I still have no news from Jake. That is disappointing but I am telling myself that if Alan asked me questions about him it could mean that he hasn't been caught by the authorities. Talking about Alan, he sends me regular updates about the proceedings but the last few messages he would ask me questions. Nothing too intrusive like how was my day and what I was up to. I don't know why but I answer his questions. I quiz him too and he replies back happily. It becomes kind of our routine. Every day, he texts me a good morning and I answer, giggling. It was nice to have the attention of a man even if it was just friendly. A couple of weeks later, he tells me that he is going to be near my city for a conference in a couple of days and that he would like to have a coffee shop with me. I was stunned! I look at the message and read it ten times before snapping out of it. I laugh. I laugh because I don't know what to say. I guess it wouldn't hurt to say yes. I agree and tell him about a nice coffee that I used to go to a lifetime ago. Straightaway, I video call Jessy, she answers directly. I scream on the phone.

Me: JEEEEESSSSSSSYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Jessy: What? What? What? Tell me

Me: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Guess what?

Jessy: No you tell me! You are downright scaring me!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Alan, YOUR police chief is coming near my city and he wants to have a coffee with me!

Jessy: WHAT?! How come?

Me: We've been talking the past few weeks, well since my interview.

Jessy: Mmh, excuSE-ME?! You didn't tell me?!

Me: I am sorry, I didn't think it was going to lead to that.

Jessy: Well don't make me wait! Tell me the tea!

I laugh and blush at the same time. I don't know if it's a date so I try not to speak about this that way. I explain the sweet messages I received for the past few weeks and how it became an everyday occurrence. She smiles but then the realisation hits her.

Jessy: But... What about Jake?

Me: Yes? What about him?

Jessy: Do you have any news?

Me: No, I would have told you already.

Jessy: Yeah, I guess so.... Do you.... Do you still love him?

Me: Actually, at the moment, I don't feel anything... I guess I never met him so it's easier to put my feelings aside. And with what happened with Richy, I don't know... It doesn't feel real. If I wasn't talking to you right now I think I would have convinced myself that I was hallucinating or that you were dreams that would occur every night. Also, I'm sorry I wasn't there for Richy's funerals...

Jessy: I know you are, you've told me multiple times already. And we understand don't worry about it.

We carry on tchatting till late at night. During the call, I receive a text from Alan telling me that he would love to go to that coffee shop and once he landed and he knew what his days will look like, he would text me the day and the time. I don't answer back, I want to stay focus on the young woman behind the screen who needs to talk, I can see she needs it. I am sure she is the one cheering everyone up. I sigh and smile at her. I wish I was there supporting her. We finally hang up. I read Alan's message again and a smile creeps up on my face. I reply back that I will wait for his text and that I was looking forward to it. He texts back with just a smiley and a good night.

I go to bed and fall asleep straightaway. I am being woken up really early by my cat. I forgot to leave him some food last night. He is hungry but I get to have some cuddles before getting up the best way to wake up! I go to feed him and to make myself some breakfast. I get myself ready for a run. I decide this time to run around town. It's quiet at that time of the day. I run for an hour and come back home. It's the same every day. I run, go home, take a shower and grab my phone but never at the same time though. I watched too many documentaries about stalkers and I try to change my routine as much as I can, especially since the phone calls from the MWAF. I sit down on my couch and I see a message from Alan, he is getting on the plane. He will be in the big city near me later in the morning. I wish him a safe flight and decide to watch TV. The day goes by with me lazing around the house.

I don't know why but I decide to go shopping. It's been a while and I want to wear something nice to see Alan even though I know it's not a date. I drive to the nearest mall, find a few shops to my liking and go inside. I try a couple of outfits in each shop. I find one I like, it's an orange dress with tiny flowers printed on it. I don't do flowers usually but as it's the beginning of summer I wanted something colourful. I pay and leave in my car. While driving, I receive a message, I read it through my car. It's Alan, he tells me he arrived a few hours ago and now knows his schedule. He is free tomorrow afternoon. I smile but I have to wait to arrive home before texting him back.

I park my car in the garage, grab my shopping bag and walk up to my house. I open the door and go straight to the bathroom and put my pjs on. Yes I know it's early! I quickly reply to Alan and tell him that it was okay for me. There is no answer for a while. I go to bed but I can't fall asleep. When I am almost asleep, I hear my phone vibrating. I sigh, but I look at the notification. Alan again with the time we will meet tomorrow. I send a thumb up, lock the phone and finally fall asleep.

I wake up early. I go out, I run, take a shower and get myself ready for this afternoon. I know it’s early but I am not one to wait patiently. I decide to go to the coffee shop early and I bring my laptop with me. I order my coffee and then I sit down at a free table. A couple of hours pass by and I am so engrossed in what I am doing that I don’t see the time. I feel a presence next to me and I look up, startled. I wasn’t expecting someone to be so close to me. The man smiles and sits down in front of me. I recognise that smile from the video chat. It was Alan. To have thought he was “quite attractive” was an understatement. I stare at him but start to blush. So as a distraction and a way to stop my blushing, I close my computer and put it in my bag. We still haven’t said a word yet. He has 2 cups in each hand and he gives me one. I look, it’s the same as what I took earlier. I finally talk and thank him for the coffee. He looks at me warmly and smiles back. It was enough to break the ice and we start talking. After a while, he gets serious, he looks straight into my eyes and I feel a bit uncomfortable. 

Alan: I have something to tell you. 

Me: Yes… Sure… I am listening…

Alan: Do you remember when I was in the mine and I found Hannah?

Me: Well, yeah obviously.

Alan: A few minutes after getting out, I received your messages that, I guess, I couldn’t receive inside the mine as there was no connection. It was also after I realised that the entrance was closed. I’ve read them and I saw that one of your texts said your friend was inside… So after leaving Hannah with someone from the FBI, I tried to find your friend.

Me: Mmmmh… Okay and?

Alan: And I found him.

He is still looking at me, all serious. I nod, I don’t really know what to say or to feel. I ask if he is ok. He starts to tell me what happened, how “my friend” was still alive and hiding under a bush. He got scared when he saw him. He explained to him that as I helped him find Hannah, he was going to help him for me and they found a subterfuge so they could bring him to Alan’s home. For the weeks following the incident, they started to make plans to free Jake. Alan doesn’t want to bore me with the details but he tells me that now it’s been a week since everything panned out and Jake was a free man. I stay silent, my eyes wander away while I digest what he just told me. Jake is alive and free but he didn’t attempt to contact me. I should be relieved and happy at the thought but my heart feels nothing but disappointment… I hear Alan clearing his throat and I look back at him. I try to hide my feelings but I can see I fail as Alan looks chagrined. I wonder why? Alan’s feelings just stay there for a second but I saw it. I smile awkwardly at him and he says that he has to go back. I nod and stand up to give him a hug, he smiles back and pulls away. I watch him leave, my mind racing through a thousand thoughts. He turns around when he is at the door and smiles when he sees me looking at him and waves his hand. Startled,I wave him back awkwardly. 

I am still in my thoughts when I hear my phone ringing. I answer without looking at the ID caller. 

Jessy: SOOOOOO! Tell me! How was it?!

Me: Hey Jessy! How you doing? 

Jessy: I’m not calling about me! Tell me everything! 

Me: It was nice. We talked.

Jessy: Mmmh… That’s it?

Me: Oh no! He told me that Jake is alive and a free man! 

Jessy: I’m sorry what? What do you mean? 

Me: He helped him avoid the FBI and to get his freedom back. I don’t know how… He didn’t tell me. Sorry Jessy but I don’t feel like talking more about it. I am going back home.

Jessy: Of course! I understand. Tell me when you are home.

I get back to my car and sit behind the wheel. I keep telling myself that he is alive and I have to be happy but really I was angry. Couldn’t he just have sent a message to say I am ok… ?! But then I think, maybe, he just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. My heart feels crushed and tears start to fall on my cheeks. I cry silently at the realisation that he probably just used me and I am nothing to him. After a couple of minutes, I start driving and I am on my way home. By the time I am home, it’s time to eat so I cook some dinner and after eating I go to bed early. I can’t face the day anymore. Before going to bed though, I text Jessy to let her know I arrived home okay. I turn my phone off and fall asleep. 

I wake up and I feel a lot better, I decide that I want to go to Duskwood. I want to meet my friends and I would like to see Alan again. I turn my phone on and I receive a couple of notifications. Jessy replied back telling me that she was happy that I was home and she was also sorry about Jake. The second one was from Alan. He said he was glad that we met up and hoped that we could do it again. He apologised for making me sad about Jake and he could see that I had feelings for him. He felt upset about that, which surprises me to read that. I didn’t know he has such strong feelings about me. I feel bad that I showed him what I felt. I reply back

Good morning Alan! I’m sorry for my late reply. I went to bed early last night and turned my phone off. Yes, I agree it was nice to see you and we might see each other sooner than you think ;). You don’t have to apologise, I am sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to. But I wanted to thank you for letting me know about him. Now I know that he got out fine and I won’t keep wondering what happened to him. I can move forward now.

I send the message and lock my phone. I get up and grab my laptop from my bag. I look at where Duskwood is on the map and see the easier way to travel there. I could ask Alan but I want to surprise him. I go on different airlines’ websites to compare the prices and I find a date in a couple of days from today. I don’t usually do stuff impulsively but today I feel like it and I book the ticket before I change my mind. I pay and receive the email confirming my reservation. I take a picture and send it to Jessy. Not even a minute later she calls me.

Jessy: What the…? Does that mean you’re coming to see me!?

Me: Yes Jessy! And I was hoping you could come and pick me up from the airport?

Jessy: You bet your sweet A I can come! YEEEEAAAAH! How long are you staying? 

Me: I haven’t decided yet. I’ll see once I am there. 

Jessy: Great! Are you gonna tell the others?

Me: Yes I will! Well, I have to go. I have to call someone to see if they could look after my cat.

Jessy: Ok! Talk to you later!

I hang up and I scroll to look for my ex sister-in-law. Even if her brother died, we kept in touch for the last two years. I call her and ask her if I can leave her my cat. She obviously says yes and I also ask if her boyfriend can drive me to the airport. Now everything is planned for the beginning of my trip. 

I hang up with my sister-in-law after a few minutes of catching up. I text the group chat to let them know I am coming to Duskwood and they all reply that they can’t wait. They start making plans to meet up and what we can do. I am smiling, happy that they all want to see me. While I read their messages, my mind keeps wandering back to Jake. Am I going to see him? Do Hannah and Lilly know he is alive? Instead of writing to the group, I go to the chat I have with Lilly.

Hiya Lilly! How have you been doing? I have a question to ask you if you have a minute?

Heyyy!!! I am good now that I know you are visiting us! I am SOOOOOO looking forward to meeting you finally! Yes, ask away.

Alan told me that Jake is alive and free. Did you know?

Listen… Yes, I knew… I even met him a few times as he is still in Duskwood and actually living with Alan. I am sorry I haven’t told you but Jake asked me not to tell you. 

He said what? Why? 

I don’t know. I am guessing that he wants you to move on… But know that he asks about you every time I talk to him. 

Is that supposed to make me feel better? I wish you would have told me when you first knew he was fine. I wouldn’t have tortured myself all those weeks. 

I guess you are right. You had a right to know. I am really sorry. 

We will talk more about it when I am there. 

I go back to the group chat. I guess I don’t need to plan anything. All the days are already planned. I chuckle, glad that they were this enthused about my coming. 

The next two days go by in a flash and I find myself in front of my sister in law’s flat with my luggage and my cat. I ring the bell and they let me in. I kiss and hug my cat. I am SO gonna miss him but I know he will be well taken care for with them. The boyfriend takes my luggage to his car and we drive to the airport. We arrive and I thank him profusely. They’ve been really nice to me. It warms my heart. I check in and board the plane. I am so excited to see them that the flight feels like it’s taking forever! We finally land, I grab my luggage and go towards the exit. I see Jessy, her back to me. I yell her name, in case it’s not her I don’t want to feel foolish. She turns around and when she realises it is me, she has the biggest smile I have ever seen. She runs to me and wraps her arms around me. She is crying and laughing at the same time. I drop my bag and put my arms around her waist and bring her closer to me. I guess I missed having some human contact. We stay like this for long minutes, tears streaming on our cheeks. I hear someone clearing their throat as if they didn’t want to disturb us but at the same time they would like us to notice them. I look up and I see Dan. I didn’t realise he was coming but I am overjoyed! I pull away from the red haired girl and hug the big man. He was more imposing than I thought and he hugs me back with a big smile and almost suffocates me. He finally lets me go and takes my baggage and we go towards Jessy’s car. We sit in the car and Jessy and Dan tell me the plan for today. I take my phone as I want to send a message to Alan but before I do I ask the two if I could invite someone to the bar tonight as they planned for us to gather at the Aurora. Phil will be working and he wants to meet me. They nod, looking at each other. I look at Jessy in the mirror and I can see she knows who I want to invite as her eyes sparkle with naughtiness. Dan looks at us confused as I smirk at Jessy. I look back at my phone and start writing. 

Hello Alan! I wanted to know what you were doing tonight? 

Since we last saw each other, we texted even more than before. I suppose he forgave me for my reaction at the coffee shop and still wanted to talk and see me which delighted me. 

Hey, I was sad I didn’t hear from you today. I am not doing anything tonight. Why?

Yes sorry! I was busy (for once :D). Maybe you should go to the Aurora tonight. I’ve heard there was a surprise waiting for you. 

Really? I wonder what it could be? I am intrigued now. What time should I be there? 

Yes, be there at 7pm. Please come even if you don’t want to or change your mind. You won’t be disappointed I promise!

7pm It is! 

I smile, pleased with myself. I tell Jessy that the person is coming which confuses Dan even more. I smile at him and tell him that their police chief is going to join us at the bar. His surprise is shown on his face and both Jessy and I start laughing. He starts to stutter and finally stops, recovering from his shock. He is cute being embarrassed like that! I start to tell him the story so he has time to recover from his initial surprise. He laughs at the situation.

Dan: Well, I am glad you are moving on and trying to forget about hackerman. 

Me: Moving on isn’t the right term. I am mad at him. Did you guys know that he was still alive and still in Duskwood?

Jessy and Dan: No!

They look at each other and it looks like Dan makes a connection.

Dan: I think I know who he is. I saw a few times a strange man around the town. I’m guessing it’s him.

I shake my head and sigh. I lean back on my seat and I press my forehead on the window. I stop talking. Jessy and Dan sense that I don’t want to talk and keep the silence going. I thank them silently. The rest of the journey goes quickly and we finally arrive in front of Jessy’s flat. Dan grabs my suitcase from the trunk and we walk inside her apartment. I look inside and I see the rest of the group in front of me yelling “WELCOME”! I freeze, I wasn’t expecting to see all of them that early but I am so happy about that. Lilly breaks away from the group and she tightly hugs me. I would have never thought she was like that but I hug her back. Then all the others come and we do a group hug. It’s a nice way to say hello to everyone in one go. Everyone pulls away except Hannah who gets closer to hug me by herself. She whispers to me.

Hannah: Thank you for everything. I don’t know how to pay you back. You brought me back to my friends and family and you brought me my brother. 

Me: Hannah. I didn’t do anything really. 

Hannah: You did a  lot more. You kept my friends together and sought help when it was needed. Thanks to you, to your courage you call Alan who came and saved us. 

Me: Oh Hannah…

My voice breaks and the tears start falling. I tighten my grip and then I pull away. I don’t want to cry. It’s supposed to be a joyful celebration not a sad one. I am about to grab my luggage when Thomas comes over and take it from my hand. I follow him to the bedroom. 

Thomas: I wanted to tell you… that… I am sorry that I wanted you to go to the mine. One, I didn’t realise how far you were from here and two, you did enough for us and to ask you to risk your life was selfish of me. Also, I thank you for bringing back my Hannah.

Me: I accept your apologies Thomas. I understand your reaction. Who knows how I would react if I were in your situation. And no need to thank me, I am glad that you and Hannah are ok. 

Thomas: Yes, we talked. It took some time but I think we are getting there. 

I give him a friendly hug and we go back to the others. Cleo made a couple of cakes which are really delicious. They stay a couple of hours and then they go back home. I help Jessy with the cleaning. She puts some music on and she starts singing and dancing. I follow her and for a few minutes we are two children having fun. We finish the cleaning while still singing and dancing and we start to get ready to go to the bar. I have brought a simple black dress, nothing too fancy or sexy but nice enough when you go out. I put on some heels and do my makeup quickly, a bit of concealer, some blush and a red lipstick. Jessy finishes before me and looks at me with wide eyes. I stop, unsure at her reaction and I ask her quietly what’s wrong. She stands there for a few seconds before regaining her senses. 

Jessy: I thought you were pretty without makeup on and with your casual outfit but DAMMMN it’s incredible how a bit of makeup and lipstick can do to you!

I blush at her compliment. I wasn’t expecting her to say that like that. Embarrassed, I thank her and tell her we should go. She smiles cheekily, takes her keys and we leave her flat. We arrive before 7pm. The bar wasn’t too busy which was nice. We walk towards the counter where Phil is standing and talking with a client. He looks at us, a frown on his face perhaps wondering who’s the stranger with his sister. I see in his eyes that he recognises me and smiles. He walks over to us and grabs me in his arms. I wrap my arms around him. Jessy sighs, annoyed at the display of affection from his brother and pushes him off of me. The door then opens and I see Alan. He seems confused and barely recognises me. I guess that little makeup does change my face a lot… But then he gasps and walks towards me with a big smile. 

Alan: So? You were the surprise? 

Me: Yes I am!

His smile gets wider and he closes the distance between us and embraces me, happy with his surprise. I feel great with his reaction. It’s exactly what I wanted. I hear Phil asking what we wanted to drink and we order. We sit at a big table able to accommodate all of us. We talk while the others join us. I can see they are surprised to see their police chief sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulders but they don’t say anything. They just keep glancing at us. I can feel him being tense. After all, he had to interview all of them a few weeks ago and he hasn’t talked to them since then. They can’t really see him as a friend. I look at him and smile while I put my hand on his leg to comfort him. He looks down at my hand then at me and he relaxes a bit. It’s a good thing Jessy is sitting next to me, she is great at making everyone comfortable and with a couple of more drinks everyone seems more relaxed with Alan’s presence. The bar gets busier and Phil doesn’t have time to talk with us. I am talking with Jessy when I feel Alan tensing up next to me so I look at him and see he is looking at the door. I can hear him whisper “The hell is he doing here?” and then I hear Lilly and Hannah scream “ JAKE!”. I look up and see a tall man with black hair and I see the two siblings stand up and run to him. They both hug their brother which he happily gives back. They take his hands and bring him to the table. Lilly starts the introduction and when it comes to me, he looks straight into my eyes then he glances at Alan who is close to me by now. He frowns and nods his head to me. I say a small “Hello”. I didn’t expect to see him tonight, I am breathless because I now see what he looks like and OMFG! He is even more handsome than I imagined. Before Lilly can introduce Alan, the latter stands up and asks Jake to follow him. I follow them with my eyes, wondering what is happening. Lilly and Hannah come sit next to me.

Hannah: Hey, since when Jake and Alan know each other? 

Me: You don’t know?

Lilly: No, What’s happening?

Me: Jake didn’t tell you anything? 

Hannah&Lilly: NO!

Me: Alan helped Jake avoid the FBI back at the mine but I don’t think it’s my place to say what happened. 

Hannah: He really pisses me off keeping secrets and asking other people to keep secrets from each other. I know Lilly told you what he asked of us and now he keeps secrets from us. Did you know we don’t know where he lives?!

Me: I think at Alan’s.

Hannah&Lilly: WHAT?!

Lilly: you’re joking, right?

I laugh at the incredulity of the two sisters and I shake my head to say no. They frown really unhappy with their brother. When the two men come back, the two girls stand up and ambush their brother and start yelling at him. He shushes them and tells them to follow him outside. I am still laughing from earlier and laugh even louder at the situation. Alan sits down next to me with a questioning look in his eyes. I try to calm down, I know there is nothing funny in this situation for other people but I can’t help it. I calm down and explain to him what happened. He chuckles and agrees with me that it is funny. We carry on talking and then I can’t take it anymore. 

Me: Why were you upset that he came?

He shuffles on his seat, uncomfortable, and stays silent for a few seconds. Before he can speak the three siblings come back to the table. They all look angry. Lilly comes to sit by us, Hannah back to Thomas and Jake stands there then he leaves to go to the bar. Lilly starts ranting about her brother and his “mysterious ways”. I smile because that's what I said to her when, a few weeks ago, we had to work together to follow Jake’s puzzles. I see a smile quickly pass on her lips when she sees mine but it is gone as soon as it arrives as she is still mad at him. 

Me: You know Lilly, I don’t think you can really change that quickly. He spent 4 years by himself and I think for him to share anything about him to his sisters is something quite difficult. He isn’t used to people caring about him. You should give him some time and maybe help him get used to it instead of yelling at him in the middle of a bar. 

Lilly looks at me dumbfounded, and realises the sense of my words. She doesn’t say anything but she stands up and goes to her brother, probably to apologise about their behaviour. I turn to Alan. 

Me: So? What were you going to say?

Alan: Do you still love him?

Me:Why?

Alan: You know him well and know exactly how he feels because after a few weeks living with him I saw that he doesn’t know how to get his feelings out properly and if you are not careful, you can get the wrong idea about what he is saying. 

Me: I don’t think I love him but yes I guess I still have some feelings for him and even though we never saw each other face to face, I can read him easily.

Alan: Ok… Thank you for your honesty. He told me he wasn’t going to come tonight even if his sisters asked him to come because he knew you were going to be there and apparently he didn’t want to see you. 

Me: WOW! Ok… Then what changed his mind?

Alan: That you were going to be here…

Me: But you just said…

Alan: Yes, I know but that’s what he told me. I know he still loves you. He denies it when I ask but he always finds a way to talk about you and when I told him I was going to meet you, he was so jealous he didn’t speak to me till I came back from my trip. I didn’t even have time to close the door that he asked me how our date was, etc… If you ask him he will deny everything calmly but I could see in his eyes that he couldn’t contain the excitement that one of us met you.

Me: Mmh I have a hard time believing you. If that were true why hasn’t he texted me? Not even once?

Alan: I think that’s something you two should talk about… if that’s what you need…

Me: Maybe. Well… I don’t think it matters anyway. He made his choice when he decided to stop talking to me. 

Alan: I am not going to defend him to you.

He smiles sadly at me. I don’t really understand why, but I want to comfort him so I put my head on his shoulder. He tenses a bit but then he puts his arm around my shoulders and brings me closer to him. We stay like that for a few minutes. I close my eyes and think about what he just told me but I stop quickly because it just confuses me even more. So instead, I just enjoy the moment and I feel the warmth emanating from his body and his smell. I hear someone sitting down next to us and I open my eyes. It’s Jake. I see him staring at us, a flash of anger and jealousy passes but is gone right away. I don’t move, neither does Alan and Jake starts talking to Alan. I finally move from the police officer and finish my drink. I look for Jessy and I stand up to join her. She is at the bar. She looks at me, smiling and tells me to come over. We do a couple of shots and I go back to my seat with a drink in my hand. The two men are still talking but they are both staring at me. I falter in my walk as they are both staring so intensely that I get a bit embarrassed being scrutinised like that but thanks to the shots I recover and walk more confidently towards the two while smiling. 

Me: Am I that beautiful that I get the two of you staring at me like that? 

They are both shocked by my joke. I sit next to Alan still smiling, he gets closer to me and whispers in my ear, his breath tickling my neck which sends a shiver in my spine

Alan: Why, yes you are.

I blush as it was a joke. I didn't expect an answer. I look inadvertently at Jake and his eyes are icy and I see his jaw working. All his body is tense and I’m afraid that he is going to pounce on Alan. Fortunately, Hannah is watching and sits next to her brother. He reluctantly turns away to her and they start a discussion. Jessy comes back and we three start a conversation. We talk until the bar closes. We all start to stand up. Some of us are a bit wobbly after drinking and sitting down for so long. Alan holds his hand out to me so I can get up and I take it happily. We walk towards the exit still holding hands and Jessy holding my other arm. We say our goodbye to the group and Alan walks with us to Jessy’s apartment. Jessy enters her flat first but before she turns around, looks at me, smiles and then says good night to Alan. 

Alan releases my hand and turns his whole body towards me. I can hear my heart beating furiously in my ear. He looks down at me and smiles. I turn as well and look up. My heart skips a bit as I see a multitude of emotions in his eyes. I bit my lip unconsciously and he closes the gap between us. With one hand, he grabs my hip, with the other, he grabs the back of my neck and he kisses me. I feel myself tensing up but I relax immediately and kiss him back. I throw my arms around his waist to bring him closer and the kiss deepens. A phone rings and we both pull away. It is his phone, he takes a big inhalation so he can breathe normally before answering his phone. He answers and he brings me close to him with his free hand. I comply and I lay my head on his chest. I listen to his voice vibrating through his chest. He hangs up and tells me he has to go. I nod and I start going up the stairs. He grabs my wrist and kisses me again. We pull away again but we have a hard time to leave each other and finally he lets go of my wrist. I smile and I wish him a good night. I walk up the stairs and enter Jessy’s flat.

================================================

THE END

I would like to write a part 2 (I already know where this is going) where we see a lot more of Jake. But I would like to have your opinion on it if you want it or not?

[mac-n-cheeseeee]

-Rainy days-

I love murlexei but I literally have read every fanfic that exists and now I can’t find new ones so here I am.(Insipation was the cookies I made while it was raining with my bf)

One thing about Alexei is that he loved and  adored rainy days since he was a little child. In fact  he preferred them  much more than the sunny ones maybe the sun had the ability to make everything lively around him he held a special place in his heart for those rainy days accompanied by hot chocolate and storytelling with his brother and sister.He loved the rain because everytime he felt like  it softened the outlines of things around him,the world slowly became softly blurred,

while it quited down,the sound of thunder mixed with the rain seemed like a melody to his ears it reminded him of those lonely evenings in his college years at those godawful chili dorms when he missed the company of people around him but he still felt like he could melt right into  the world in full harmony and just disappear,just for a moment.

The rain made the day a little cold today but nothing like the coldness he felt when he was working in that damned underground lab not seeing the outside for so so long,he really had forgotten how much he missed this when he used to do nothing and just sit,enjoy the sight,later at night stargazing the consultations.But now he had a new addition to why he loved this days and it was siting or more precisely sleeping in his lap,snoring softly accompanying the melody from outside.

He got a little startled as he was pulled out of his thoughts when the man in his lap slowly woke up and gave a little yawn and stretch and slowly lied down on his lap again looking up at him with curiosity.

“You look beautiful in the moonlight”he said almost subconsciously.   

The other laughed a little sleepily“Pfff…Thank you”Murray slowly looked at the clock and realized that it had been 4 hours since he had fallen asleep in Alexeis arms and decided to question the obvious “…..so have you just been staring at me for the past four hours,is that how you decided to  pass your time productively?”

He thanked for a little bit“Most of it….can you really blame me?”He was delighted when he saw the man bellow him giving him one of the best aimless he’d ever seen while slightly covering his face that was covered by the red blush Alexis loved to see appear every time he was complimented.

“You’re a creep”he knew that was a lie because he also did that but they loved to tease one another.He slowly sat up adjusting his eyes to the light and slowly hugged Alexei bringing him in his lap.It was his time for compliments.He slowly run his fingers through his lovers freshly showered hair.

“Your hairs really soft,are you planning on cutting it or are you going for a new style”

Murray was right his hair had grown quite a lot,maybe he’d keep it,he really hadn’t noticed how long it had gotten before now”

“As  I said …” Murray continued still running his hand through his hair “It’s surprisingly soft,you really have the cutest curls,your bed hair is immaculate,it smells nice,I love it,I am voting on you leaving it like this”

He slowly pressed a soft kiss on his hair and then tugged at his cheek,muttering something about how cute he was,he strongly disagreed.

“Yeahh I should probably  keep it this long,you seem to be loving it “he muttered a mischievous smirk appearing on his face as he slowly smiled up to the other.

“Don’t act like you don’t love it when I pull it…..you’re not as innocent as you look….you’re guilty and you know it.”

Yeah he knew it.

“What do you want to do for the the rest of the day……night I guess”It had already gotten dark outside so they wouldn’t be able to go anywhere and he wasn’t really tired Murray wasn’t neither probably.

How about we bake some cookies”He missed his cookies his sister used to make,they were delicious but he wouldn’t admit it to her,not even in his deathbed.

“Cookies?……Do you know how to make them?Also we have to check if we have the  ingredients we’ll need so let’s get up,I hope you know what you’re making because now you put me in a mood for fresh baked cookies” 

“Yeah,yeah came on you lazy American”

He got up offering a hand to Murray,he was giving him a look characterized by acceptance but mostly disappointed.

“Don’t call me that” he said as they were waking to the kitchen.

Murray quickly put out the ingredients and bowls while Alexei was looking for the baking pan for the cake at one of the bottom drawers earning a light smack in the ass by Murray.As he found the pan he looked at him shaking his head giving him a disappointed look.

“I had to….it was just sticking out perfectly.You have to admit you have a nice ass”

“No comment”

He quickly wrote the list of ingredients down to see if the missed anything.

Pryaniki honey cookies 

-flour

-butter

-honey

-baking soda 

-eggs 

-sour cream 

(You can top it with some marmalade or icing)

“Ok we got all of it so let’s begin the process”

After an hour or so the we’re done and we’re enjoying the cookies with some cold milk,sitting in the couch cuddled up,watching an action movie,as the rainstorm continued,falling asleep contently in each others arms.

[beneath-the-irish-sky]

June 10th

My alarm went off and I immediately got up to get ready. I cannot believe we were able to get tickets to this concert. It was sold out and we purchased two resold tickets by chance. I stopped over at my classmate's room for a few minutes to help her with her eyeliner and then we were off. This was going to be an epic adventure! Once at the bus station, we realized she forgot her phone charger so she could connect it to her battery pack. She was panicking, and so was I. We set out to find a charger. We stopped into every hotel and store, asking if they sold chargers. They did not have the kind that was needed. Luckily, right before we got on the bus she ran into a Centra and found the charger she needed! 

While on the bus to the venue, I styled my hair for the concert and my classmate got some sleep. After a 45-minute ride we were there and had to prepare for the long walk ahead. By the time we found our section by the stage, we had 13,000 steps in already. It was so worth it though because we were in the third row of the pit. It also rained on and off but it didn't matter. 

We arrived at Slane Castle at 10 am. It was beautiful and the land sprawled out as far as I could see. It would soon fill up with over 80,000 fans waiting to see Harry Styles take the stage on his Love Tour (picture 15). Harry wasn’t scheduled until 8pm. We enjoyed the music of Wet Leg, Inhaler, a DJ, and one of Harry's songwriters as we waited for him to take the stage. We caught glimpses of him standing outside the castle looking on as the crowd grew.

The long awaited intro music started and Harry Styles took the stage (pictures 1 - 10, 14). It was epic! His energy is so infectious and intoxicating. He was so close to us and he played music that I love but thought I wouldn't hear on this tour. He also played an unreleased song that is not played at many of his shows. He ended the show wrapping the Irish flag around him. Again, it was epic but the long walk back was not. After standing in the sun for 12 hours, we were tired and it was another 13,000-step journey to catch the first bus back and then the subsequent second bus. We finally arrived back at UCD at 2 am. A day to remember! One I probably wouldn’t have experienced in the States because of the rising cost of tickets. The tickets would have cost thousands more than the $300 we paid. Thank you Ireland!

June 11th

I woke up pretty late and in a lot of pain from the night before. So much walking and standing! The rush of the concert was still present as I got dressed to go to the Hurling Match. I think I may have underestimated the toll the journey would have on my body. I was so exhausted. I eventually got up and met with the group of five I was going to the game with. 

We took the bus to the stadium in Dublin, where the match was being held. It was the Leinster Senior Hurling Championship . The Leinster Senior Hurling Championship started in 1888 after a man named Michael Cusack realized there needed to be one set of regulations in Hurling. 

The match was so exhilarating (pictures 11 - 13). We sat in the front row and were right near one of the goals. The action was so close to us. We got to talking with a few fans from Galway, and they told us that Kilkenny wins every time. That made me root for Galway even more. I always like an underdog. Unfortunately, Kilkenny won but Galway played the game so well to stay in it for as long as they did. Right down to the last few seconds. I bought a t-shirt there to remember my time.

After the game, I was sunburnt and still so tired. I decided that I would go back to UCD and turn in early so I would be refreshed for the week ahead. I watched a movie, took a shower, returned the bag I borrowed from my classmate, and went to sleep.

June 12th 

I woke up feeling refreshed today! I am ready for whatever this week brings and I am excited to visit Scotland this weekend. To prepare, we decided that we would each look into things to do in Edinburg on our own and then come together as a group to figure out what excursions we would book.

Today, I am supposed to meet up with my classmates to plan for a group project. We met and divided into two groups; me and the classmate I borrowed the bag from would work together, and the other three would be in their own group. We decided to do our 10-minute video on Hurling and the match we saw yesterday. We wrote out the entire script and then decided that we would film the next week when we had more time. 

We all went our separate ways and got ready to attend the Irish Literature Class that we had that evening. Our teacher had described it as a pub crawl, and she was not wrong. We went from pub to pub, listening to our tour guide recite and sing passages and verses from various Irish books and folktales. He quoted stories from the Dubliners and took us to places that were mentioned in those stories. We were walking in history.

The night went by quickly. After the tour, we went back to one of the pubs for Baileys Cheesecake. Unfortunately, they were out so my classmate and I found something else to eat. After the pub, we went back to UCD, and I fell asleep quickly.

[dianight]

3 months (long)

Not in the right mood but I wanted to have the exact date.

Back when I started growing my hair, like around two years before covid, there was a point where it was too long to not be annoying but too short to do anything about it; it was getting on my face and being messy but I couldn't tie it up or style it beyond trying to comb it and failing because it doesn't stay put. I'm at a similar spot now in a way: when tying up my hair there'll be shorter ones just all over the place. Imagine an anime girl ahoge, that's what I get sometimes. Bald spots are "filling in" I guess; big change is that even when not doing anything my hair looks decent. Decent being relative of course, but compared to before it's massive.

I've had a few interesting experiences this past week, both good (a lot) and bad (a few). As far as this post is concerned I too can play the role of the leashed catgirl (with slight blush). Which is remarkable as that wasn't that appealing before. There's more to it but not here. Feeling the urge to be antagonized just so I can lash out and feel that again. I know I shouldn't but it's just so great. Again there's more to it but not relevant to the reason I'm typing this.

Less facial hair (minor), less "hardness" to it. Makes my face feel less awful. I like it.

I've kinda gotten used to not checking every little thing constantly as I was doing at first so it can be surprising sometimes. My hair was one of them as I found out when I was doing something to it and had to stop to check what was wrong (nothing!).

It's so hot this summer. Doesn't stink! Big (small) victory for me.

Not flat anymore by definition but still small. Not like it matters that much but I should mention that the thought "I kinda want mine to look like that" has been making appearances very often now as oppossed to never before. Boob envy. LUmao. Also I was expecting the so called puffy nipples to happen at some point but no luck(?) yet. Won't ever post pictures for obvious reasons. Unless I change my mind, which I probably won't.

Some(?) body hair seems to be falling off. Again I'm not really checking but I have to clean the shower after using it and you kinda see these things even when showering too.

Bigger ass. Not sure how much and it might be a bit of paranoia but even with sweatpants it's not subtle. I don't mind it but I do have a very minor concern about people pointing it out.

Haven't weighted myself in a while but I'd imagine it'd be the same or lower even since I've been sweating a lot and some days (just 3-4 at most this month) I'm too tired to get proper dinner. I'm trying so hard and it's not even close to what I expected.

I have fully embraced the "whatever I don't give a fuck anymore" mentality. I want to elaborate on this one on a different post, but that one Halimede tweet about "trans" wanting to be excellent to prove themselves and so many people saying that it resonates with them. Miss me with that shit. Nothing to prove, I exist as I am. I am going to be as selfish as I can be and I don't care (or have cared) about others' approval, affection or attention. Never got any of that anyway.

For a satisfying conclusion: yesterday I was taking a shower and I was laying on the floor out of exhaustion. Just daydreaming as I splashed water on myself. At some point I was getting a bit "philosophical" euphemistically speaking and one of the stray thoughts was sort of "why am I even doing this, should I just decide to not take my hrt, is there a difference" and literally the outrage of even thinking about it gave me the strength to get up and out of the shower. Doubt dispeller shower session.

Can't think of anything else of note.

1 month (long, TMI as they say)

So I was planning on making a list of changes, sort of, stuff I've noticed but when I try to put it into words it gets quite difficult. Anyway. In no particular order and with the caveat that it might be placebo or simply something that I've never paid attention to or some other unrelated factor:

My hair looks nicer? It used to get tangled pretty often, now I simply get the drill hair curls unless I comb it a bit. Do I notice less hair falling overall? Maybe(?), I still get some loose ones on my hair ties or in the shower. But I feel like (<- feel like) it's less now. Not quite how I'd like it yet but better (<- even if not a thing still feels nicer).

I was genuinely looking forward to having an easier time crying, no luck yet. What emotional changes I've gotten are "villainess behaviors" instead which if I were to elaborate is an incredibly difficult time containing myself when someone antagonizes me in any way. As an example I had a celebration (not mine) recently and some relative said something passive agressive to me, I wanted to just ignore instead I found myself laughing in their face and telling them to mind their business (<- less nice than that). Other minor "I should not let this matter to me" stuff feeding the urge to be cruel. I'm fine but it's funny in a way since it's harder to be nice when people are assholes.

Shaving is much much worse and a bit better now. It used to be something that if I ignored/forgot about for a while it'd not matter, now I had a moment where I couldn't sleep and had to go shave at 2am due to how bad it was making me feel. It does feel nicer now, but only for a while.

Less smell? It's summer, it's hot, I'm not particularly sweaty and yet. It's too big of a change to be something I'm imagining. Weird, in a really nice way.

[I lost track so I check the table for reference to see what else.]

Oh yeah. Big changes happening (<- exaggeration). My nipples randomly get sore, one of them is sore all the time! No noticeable size changes though. Way more sensitive to the point of almost being painful (<- in a good way). Actually concerning. I could talk more about it but perhaps not right now.

Body hair is all the same(?), no differences on skin softness/oiliness. My skin condition remains the same.

Body fat redistribution and pelvis changes seems to not be happening yet. My hips are massive anyway and the dimples in my lower back have always been there (<- bragging).

Decreased muscle and strength. Yeah, not from E I can tell you. It's more the disability and the injuries.

This one is kinda funny. "Changes in mood, emotionality, and behavior". It could be. It could also be the sheer relief of getting something I've been trying to get for 8(9?) years, while being able to focus on other stuff that was simply asking too much of me. I'm biased obviously but apart from the slightly stronger urges it's mostly the same.

Sex drive and all that stuff. Let's just say expected changes. Shooting blanks now, which is amusing. No morning wood. You know the drill. I know there can be atrophy if you don't use it and I'll gladly let that thing rot, but. Let's think about how it might be necessary later on. Bear with it for now.

Another interesting one that comes with those emotional changes is how little I care now about certain things, sexually speaking. And how some others will instantly fill a metaphorical bar until it says !!! MADNESS !!! out of nowhere. Case in point, that drawing about the two girls playing the rhythm game(?) while one holds the other's leash. Yeah funny mental image. Somehow it got stuck in my brain for a couple days. Wait what. I'm also much more picky about what types of works I read. It all just seems so boring now. Seen that setup before, that one's got very bad art, that one is too misogynistic, that one is just uninspired.

Anyway I could type more about how it feels different now but words fail me a bit and I think that's enough for now.

[junekissed]

shower thoughts with junhui

read the nsfw version here! [18+ only]

member — bf!junhui x reader genre — fluff, tiny bit suggestive but not sexual or explicit word count — 0.5k warnings — nudity, reader has periods notes — requested by anon — the request had both sfw and nsfw and as i am not posting nsfw on this blog, here is the sfw version! if you want to read the nsfw version you can check it out on my nsfw blog @junkissed if you are 18 or older; if minors interact with my nsfw works you will be blocked. please be responsible about the content you consume!

one reblog = one soft fluffy towel

he prefers evening showers to morning showers since you have to get up at different times for work, so he gets more time with you in the evenings

he mostly likes to shower together when you’re just tired from work or studies or whatever has been going on that week, because he likes being able to take care of you in this vulnerable way

any time you say you’re gonna take a shower he puts on his pouty face and asks to join, although he isn’t expecting you to say yes he might as well try lol

he loves to wash your hair for you. he likes the feeling of your hair beneath his fingers, gently massaging shampoo into your scalp

if you let him he’ll wash your body too, pouring soap into his hands and lathering you up, just taking a moment to appreciate every part of you

sometimes he’ll use his shampoo or body wash instead of yours because you both like when you smell like him. he gets all touchy and cuddly afterwards because he knows you’re his <33

he doesn’t care if you’re on your period or you haven’t showered in a while or you feel gross. he loves you no matter what you look like he’s just happy to be there and that you let him admire you like this

he loves long, slow kisses in the shower where time stops and it’s just you and him and the water and nothing else

when you get out he’ll help you dry off, and he gives you the softest, fluffiest towel because he thinks it's cute seeing you all wrapped up in it

he'll blow dry your hair for you or brush it out for you too, carefully combing through it so he doesn't tug on you too much

if your hair is long enough to braid he'll braid it for you. it took him a couple months to learn how to do it at first but he was so proud of himself when he finally figured it out. sometimes in the middle of the day he'll randomly ask if he can braid your hair because he "wants to make sure he doesn't forget how to". he also takes pictures of your hair because he wants to commemorate all the different styles he's done in a little photo album (his speciality is dutch braids, though)

he likes to get right in bed afterwards because you’re warm and sleepy and comfortable after a shower. you both sleep so good those nights, especially if you’ve had a big dinner beforehand

sometimes if he’s home early and he knows you’ll want to shower he’ll replace the sheets on the bed and throw your blankets and pajamas in the laundry before you get home so by the time you get out of the shower you have fresh clean sheets and warm clothes to put on

taglist | @foxdaisy @tinkerbell460 @huiranghaes @just-here-to-read-01 @blizzardfluffykpop @ny0sang @noniestars @noraehey @squiishymeow @pearlygraysky @baekhyunstruly @tenn87 @blowfishish @matilde111

[badboyzbingobrunch]

Gorgeous (part 1) 18+

Hawthorne Michael Langdon x Fem witch reader

( enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, smut)

Part 1 Part 2

Summary:

After the announcement that a warlock will be completing the 7 wonders, both the Hawthorne School for Exceptional Young Men, and Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies try to put up an appearance of peace between the rival schools. This new chapter of peace between witches and warlocks has a potential to pave the way for the future of magic, but when Hawthorne’s “Wonder boy” is found out to be a cheat by (y/n) she fights to make him reveal himself.

****************************************************** “Alright, Ladies. Load up on the buses” Ms. Myrtle was instructing all of the students of Robichaux’s to our respective buses. The boys school had agreed to host us out of a good faith arrangement while one of their own would be performing the 7 wonders. A male completing the 7 wonders would be a sight to behold. There has never been a warlock in history who could complete 4 of the 7 wonders let alone all of them.

It was an excruciating bus ride from Louisiana to California but, after our arrival, we were greeted by every boy attending Hawthorne’s. I looked around to each of their faces. Any one of these boys could be him. It was actually pretty exciting to experience history in the making. Robichaux students were grouped into 3s and escorted to our rooms for the next two weeks. I was grouped with Amber and Elena. I was pretty new to the academy, so anyone else was grouped with would be a stranger. They seemed nice though. Each room had a large bathroom with a tub and shower. Eager to wash the bus off, my roommates and I piled into the bathroom and began washing up. “Do you think he’s cute?” Amber was washing her ginger hair in the sink as she asked Elena who was fully submerged in the tub. Elena shrugged. “A lot of them are cute.” I was in the shower letting the hot water cure the ache in my tired bones. Personally more interested in how powerful this “wonder boy” was than if he were cute. We were asked to wear the feminine version of Hawthorne’s school uniform which was a complex uniform consisting of a button up shirt, satin vest, tie, blazer, knee length skirt, stockings and Mary Janes in all black except for the long sleeve button up shirt which was white. We were expected to wear this uniform every day during our attendance here. Were we expected to participate in lessons? I suddenly felt nervous about this venture. What if I embarrassed myself in front of these strangers? My nerves kept sleep at bay. Looking at the clock it was 5 am, and I heaved a defeated sigh before putting on the uniform and pulling my hair into a neat style. Maybe the library would be a good place to practice my spells before breakfast. The entire school was silent, as everyone slept peacefully. The underground school was a true work of art, looking much more suited for a museum instead of a school. As I approached the library I could hear faint cursing from the other side of the door. I reached for the door knob just as a tall blonde boy ran out and slammed against me. The force was so intense that I fell back hard onto my bottom. He stood with his feet firmly planted on the ground and sneered in my direction. “Watch where you are going.” He spoke calmly with a cold indifference as he rolled his eyes and took elegant strides away from me. “You ran into me, jerk!” I called after him in vain as he disappeared down the hallway. Such a punk! It doesn’t matter how neatly groomed he may be. He is still a thug. A dark haired boy equally well groomed exited the library next and extended a hand to help me up. “William Banks. It’s a pleasure to meet such a lovely witch so early in the morning.” I accepted his hand with a grateful smile. “(Y/n) (L/n). It’s a pleasure to be met by a gentleman after a run in with a thug. What was his problem anyway?” William shrugged. “Something about his dad not answering him. He must be dead or something because he keeps casting summoning circles. Langdon is a weird guy, but way powerful.” My heart ached at the thought of the boy desperately trying to contact his dead father, and suddenly his rudeness was easily forgivable. “Thank you for your kindness. I’ll see you around?” William nodded eagerly. “Absolutely you will.”

Michael POV:

I just can’t understand why he isn’t answering me? Am I supposed to complete the 7 wonders on my own? Am I supposed to be proving myself to him? “Mr. Langdon! Perhaps you misunderstood the rule that ALL students were to be in attendance of their respective classes at 7 sharp. Maybe you thought you didn’t need to learn more from us now that you are our resident GOLDENCHILD, but I assure you that you do.” Mr. Chablis stood over the couch that I was resting my eyes on. I stood as respectfully as I could as I looked down at his smaller frame. “Forgive me, sir. I was up all night practicing for my performance of the 7 wonders. I rested my eyes for only a moment, but time got away from me.” I gave a small apologetic smile hoping to successfully charm him into staying out of my business. “Right! Well drink this, it’ll put some PEP back into your step.” He handed me a black mug filled with a camel colored liquid. I scrunched my nose as I tried to decipher what he was giving me. “What is it?” “Coffee!” Mr. Chablis then preceded to laugh at his own joke. A joke I was obviously not privy to because I was unaware of what was supposed to be funny about giving a boy a cup of coffee? Was I the joke. Was my reaction what was funny to him? I shook the thoughts from my head and brought the warm porcelain to my lips. The liquid burned my tongue and esophagus. But I only focused on the flavor. My mouth would heal in about a 3 seconds, but I liked the creamy flavor of this drink. It was a curious blend of bitter and sweet. Mr. Chablis was right. It did put some “pep” in my step. My first class was transfiguration which was Mr. Chablis‘ class. Obviously he is the only instructor who cares if I am late. I arrived in the middle of the girl’s academy instructor teaching how to change the color of roses. “Thank you, for joining us. Just take a flower and sit anywhere. We haven’t started yet, so you are just in time.” Mr. Chablis extended a bucket filled with white roses towards me. I took one with a nod of appreciation to my instructor. The girl who got in my way last night was sitting in a corner all alone. Why was she outside the library so early anyway? The witches came all this way just to see me perform the 7 wonders. Maybe she came to see me. I may as well have a little fun with them while they are here for me, right? I strutted towards her and sat on the floor of the library. My knee gently grazed her thigh as I sat. I expected some sort of reaction of excitement, but she only gave me a small nod acknowledging my presence before turning her attention towards her instructor. Playing hard to get huh? That’s okay, I like cat and mouse. I redirected my attention to the instructor who was twirling her own white rose in her hand. “Today we are going to be changing the color of these roses. It can be any color you like but it must be one solid color. Do not focus too hard on the change or it may change many times, and do not focus to little or the rose will not change at all. Roses are stubborn like that.” She examined her rose and continued. “Try to imagine the rose shifting in your mind and encourage the rose to change.” She extended the rose for everyone to see and smiled as it shifted from white to a deep red. “Now you try.” The girl beside you focused deeply on her rose. Quicker than anyone else’s it shifted to a warm yellow. I looked at the white rose in my hand. It was the color of innocence and purity. I imagined it becoming tainted with my energy. The petals turned to a deep red before shifting quickly to black before the petals fell and turned to ash as they hit the ground. There were several cheers from my schoolmates who were struggling to change the color of their own roses. “Ms. Benson, He didn’t follow instructions.” It was a girl’s voice from beside me. I leaned in to whisper into her ear playfully. “Tattle tale.” Her ears and cheeks began turning red from my small action. Cute. The instructor came towards us and smiled softly.

“No, you did the task right. You only put too much into it. Remember that the flower is stubborn but also precious. Think about something precious to you, something that you wouldn’t want to hurt with your magic and try again.” 

            She handed me a new rose and just like before it turned deep red, then black, then the petals fell and turned to ash when they hit the floor. I cracked my neck in frustration and tried again with the same result. Why couldn’t I do this? My vision began to blur and I felt the familiar drip of blood from my nose. I was wasting too much energy on this. Suddenly, the rose in my hand burst into flames resulting in shocked gasps from the others in the room. Not beside me though, I felt a friendly hand soothing the tension on my shoulder. “It’s okay, you don’t have anything to prove.” That’s where she is wrong. I was fading into my subconscious, but her one stupid fucking comment grounded me into reality. I grabbed the front of her jacket and pulled her up so that she was eye level with me. “You don’t fucking know me.” In one swift motion I released her and stood. I then wiped my nose on my jacket sleeve and left the library.

******************************************************

        I adjusted my uniform as he left. “Damn…Wonder boy is touchy.” One of the girls from Robichaux’s spoke. Her name is Coco. I didn’t know her personally but when we took lessons together she seemed nice. “Are you okay, (y/n)? That was a real dick move.” I nodded as Coco tried to comfort me. I felt overwhelmed and dizzy. Suddenly my vision began to blur and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw was Ms. Benson’s face as she cleared space for me to breathe. 

        I woke up in a small infirmary with Ms. Benson placing a cold wet rag onto my forehead. She gasped and called the attention to someone else in the room. “Cordelia! She’s awake.” The face of my supreme came into view and she elegantly took a seat at the foot of my recovery bed. “Are you alright, (y/n)?” I nodded slowly as I sat up in the bed. my muscles ached as I moved. I must have been laying in one spot for a long time. “I need you to be very honest with me. Did Michael do this to you?” Her voice was grave. I enthusiastically shook my head. “No! I just fainted. He yelled at me, but he didn’t do anything. I didn’t sleep last night and I’ve been practicing so much. I think I am just exhausted and fainted..” Cordelia nodded in understanding and began petting my head in a motherly display of affection. “Why do you ask? Is he in trouble?” Cordelia and Ms Benson looked to each other silently before Ms benson answered. “He has been banned from performing the 7 wonders because of what we thought he did to you.” I sprung up so quickly that my head flooded and fell back onto the pillow. “You have to tell him he can perform them again! How long have I been asleep?” Ms. Benson patted my forehead with the cold rag and nodded. “You have only been asleep a couple of days. It was a temporary ban until you woke to tell us what happened.” 

        I rose slowly this time. “I have to tell him I’m sorry…” Cordelia and Ms. Benson helped me up. “Would you rather one of us did it?” Cordelia offered gently. I shook my head now able to stand on my own two feet. I need to know where he is.-“ “- I can show you to his room.” William Banks was standing in the doorway.  With a small bouquet of yellow roses in his hand.

[doberbutts]

A week and a half on T:

Significantly reduced menses problems (which btw started over a week early less than a single week into T so there’s that to consider). Cramps significantly more controllable. Able to eat, digest, and poop which is more than I could ever say about anything. On the other hand cramps also lasted two days instead of one which I think is a ripoff, and the length of time I bled was also nearly doubled (always 3 days in the past, this time 5).

Voice doing a lot of weird shit- sometimes it’s normal and other times it’s deeper and other times it’s raspy. Harder to hit high notes but easier to maintain low notes when singing

HUNGRY. I wake up hungry and I am now hungry also for lunch and dinner. And sometimes snack after. It also means sometimes I eat and I’m hungry again like half an hour later. It’s not like a gnawing hunger but it is very present and kind of annoying. High protein snacks are the way to go.

Facial hair on cheeks still patchy and light. Facial hair on lip somewhat darker and longer??? I’ve always sort of wanted a soul patch with a little on the chin as well, which I knooooooooow is a Douchebag Style nowadays but also it makes me very grumpy that yet another Black Thing got co-opted by white people who now have decided it’s bad as that style started in the jazz community (which is why I like it, having grown up with my jazz-loving black dad and black friend of family) which was dominated by black people and now I’m off on a tangent

STINKY. Whewf my deodorant ain’t doing the 48 hour thing it claims to anymore. I’m applying twice a day and still catching a whiff every now and then. I don’t need to shower more because I’m using testosterone gel and am worried about gel transference, I need to shower more because I smell bad lmao

Speaking of smell, while it is... strong... there’s almost a pleasantness to it? My rural roots attribute part of that scent to men who work and labor all day, usually farming or hunting or woodworking or building etc. Smelly, but also kinda nice. I’ve always been of two minds about it when smelling it on partners after, ahem, vigorous activities, because on one hand. Stinky. But on the other hand. Good Scent. Is this what the musk fandom is always on about?

Muscles??? Noticeable muscles??? Not beefcake yet but my Arms Are Thicker. I was able to lift a 45lb bag of dog food for Sushi with little issue where I used to struggle before. I was able to lift Sushi off the ground, something I haven’t been able to do since she got over 85lbs (she’s 99.5 currently), without hurting or straining my back. She jumped into my arms like Creed used to and I caught her on reflex and held her midair and was like wait............. you don’t feel as heavy as you used to did you lose weight?????? And then I weighed her at work and nope she’s still hovering around 100lbs I can just carry that now apparently.

IDK if this is bottom growth necessarily but Stimulation Always is now somewhat of a problem. I’m thinking I will need to buy a new packer soon since my other one finally broke and the sensation of wearing my underwear has been, um, a lot. The prosthetic I buy sort of... cups everything, as it’s made specifically for trans guys with significant bottom growth or metoidioplasty, and that should help prevent unwanted Sensation when I’m trying to not be horny on main.

IDK also if I’m thinking horny thoughts more often but I’m definitely more affected by horny thoughts more often.

Speaking of Sushi she’s been all over me recently but I think she’s about to go into heat and she does turn absurdly affectionate when in heat so jury’s out on whether it’s my hormones or hers making her weird.

More stamina? My body still aches and is sore when I do too much but I worked in my backyard for like three hours yesterday immediately coming off of an 8 mile hike and then cooked and cleaned and was only slightly tired by the end of it. Sore, yes. But not tired.

Better poop??? Is this diet related since I’m eating more often or is this testosterone who knows but I’m appreciating not shitting my brains out all the time because my stomach decided to throw a temper tantrum about one of my meals.